Give Peace a Chance

Posted on November 9, 2013 by John Paladini

How many of us remember this Bumper Sticker? “Visualize World Peace” was the slogan of a well-meaning organization called Peace Vision that originated in Texas in 1985. (These things always originate in Texas). They believed that if enough individuals visualized peace, there would be peace in the world. The only problem is, it doesn’t work!
Back in the day, you would see these bumper stickers all around town. You’d see them on cars in bumper-to-bumper traffic on the freeway. And you’d see their drivers offering gestures that were NOT the peace symbol.
But ”World Peace” is too big an issue for most of us. What we really want is a little peace in our homes and in our marriages.

If I asked you: How do you define “Peace”?
Some would say:
…If only I could get my teenager to….
…If only I could get my boss to………….
…If only I could get my Husband to…..
…If only I could get my wife to………….you fill in the blank.
How do we find this elusive thing called peace?
Long before John Lennon penned the words to his famous song, couples have longed for “domestic tranquility”…Peace. Why then, if we all want the same thing, do we argue? Why don’t we “Make Love, not War”?
The bible says it is because we become addicted to our own pleasure:
Where do all the fights and quarrels among you come from? They come from your desires for pleasure, which are constantly fighting within you. You want things, but you cannot have them, so you are ready to kill; you strongly desire things, but you cannot get them, so you quarrel and fight. James 4:1-2 GNT
There is a phenomenon known as “The Fog of War” where in the heat of the battle, things become so chaotic that soldiers fire upon their own forces, sometimes resulting in heavy casualties from “friendly fire”. Our marriages sometimes suffer the same kind of collateral damage. Instead of joining forces with our spouse to enjoy the blessings of life, we get into small skirmishes that quickly escalate into World War III. Later we say things like “I can’t believe I said that.” Or, “I can’t believe I did that.”
But the answer to protecting our marriage is not military, it is not organizational and it is not political. Our battle is a spiritual battle and the answer is spiritual as well. The apostle Paul wrote Walk in the Spirit, and you will not fulfill the lust of the flesh. Gal 5:16. Only God can help us win the war against our sin nature.
In a war, an army can only win if it keeps its supply lines open.
It is the same in a spiritual battle. If we sow to the flesh, we will reap corruption. But if we sow to the spirit, we will reap everlasting Life. Gal 6:8.
Which side are you supplying?
It is good to remember that the end of war is supposed to be peace. We can’t treat our spouse like a prisoner of war. We must declare an armistice. In fact, every day should be Armistice Day. The bible tells us “Do not let the sun go down on your wrath.” Eph 4:26
For he who would love life and see good days, let him refrain his tongue from evil, and his lips from speaking deceit. Let him turn away from evil and do good; let him seek peace and pursue it! Peter 3:10-11
So what’ve we got to lose? Let’s give peace a chance.

Before You Get Married

Posted on September 28, 2013 by John Paladini

Lifetime Commitment
Marriage was designed by God to be a relationship where we make a commitment for a lifetime. When we are making a lifetime commitment, we will invest ourselves more in each other and we will avoid saying and doing things that will cause damage to our relationship. (Read Nurture and Cherish)
Helper
God said “It is not good that man should be alone, I will make him a helper comparable Gen 2:18. Marriage is designed to be a helping relationship where the husband helps his wife and a wife helps her husband. When we are looking for a spouse, we are attracted to a mate who has strengths where we have weaknesses, and weaknesses where we have strengths. By helping one another and by learning to depend on each other, we build a quality marriage.
Making a Life
Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother, and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. Gen 2:23
Choosing a marriage partner, should be done with great care because you will be merging your life with the life of your spouse.
We live in Modesto and there are two rivers, the Stanislaus and the Tuolumne, that flow down from the high Sierra and pass on either side of the city. But an interesting thing happens about half way through my commute every morning. After I leave Modesto I cross the San Joaquin River on my way to Livermore. At a certain point, both the Stanislaus and the Tuolumne Rivers lose their own previous identities and take on a new identity: The San Joaquin. This River has elements and attributes of the Stanislaus and the Tuolumne, but from that point on, it makes its trip to the sea with a new identity.
The day we get married we must change our pronouns.
I becomes we.
My becomes our.
Mine becomes ours.

Please don’t marry anyone with whom you are not willing and ready to merge your money, your reputation, your name and your future.
We are no longer single individuals but a married couple. As single individuals, we put ourselves first in our decision-making. As a married couple we will find the most success and the most joy in marriage when we put our spouse before ourselves.

In-laws
Speaking of leaving father and mother, all your life you have been told to obey your father and mother. When you get married, your relationship with your father and mother changes. When we leave father and mother, they no longer have authority over our life. It is important for the new married couple to understand that by getting married you are creating a new household and a new authority structure. No longer do you give your parents the place of authority over your lives. However, mother and father don’t always get the memo. They sometimes put pressure or expectations on their married adult children such as spending holidays together or expecting financial support.
A word of advice: Love and honor your parents but you should no longer feel any pressure to obey them. Your new marriage has created a new authority structure. Decide with your husband or wife what you want your life together to look like. Then be as gracious as you can, and tell your parents how you have decided to live your life together. Learn to value your extended family and be healthy, active members as you are able. But don’t allow them to manipulate or pressure you with guilt.
Communication
Healthy communication makes a healthy marriage. (See : Communication: The Lifeblood of Marriage).
Money
There are only three things you can do with money: Spend it, Save it and Give it.
Healthy people learn to do all three.
It is important that married couples be in agreement on how you will obtain money and how your collective money will be spent, saved and given. It is the responsibility of both of you to decide together on your plan and to fulfill your part in carrying out your plan. Often in marriage, one or the other of the spouses is more gifted in administration. That spouse will often write the checks and balance the check book. But both spouses must be fully engaged in making the decisions on how the money gets spent. Here is a simple way to accomplish that.
1. Whichever spouse is administratively gifted, make a list of all the things you want/need to do with your money. i.e. rent, electricity, car payment, vacations, savings, spending money, etc.…
2. Both spouses sit down and review the list and the other spouse should add any additional items. Both spouses have an equal say in what goes on the list.
3. Decide together and agree on how much to spend on each item. Give every dollar a mission, even if it is extra money that is going into savings.
4. Now each spouse does what you’ve agreed to do with your money.
5. Make sure you budget a few dollars for each of you to have some pocket money to blow, even if it is only a few dollars per week.
6. If an unexpected financial expense comes up, talk to your spouse and decide together where the money will come from to pay for it.
You now have a budget that both of you agree on, and both of you carry the financial responsibility in your marriage.
Early in your dating relationship, it is important that you discuss your financial practices and philosophy on spending, saving, investing and debt, with your prospective spouse. Later, as your relationship progresses and you are moving closer towards marriage, it is important that you both disclose your complete financial status to your prospective spouse: Income, net worth, debts, taxes, foreclosures and bankruptcies. You wouldn’t want to find out after the wedding that you are now a million dollars in debt and neither would your spouse. Wait until you are married to merge your money.
Conflict/Forgiveness
Nobody’s perfect. That means that even if you are marrying Mr. Right or Miss Right, they will eventually do something wrong, and so will you. That is why learning to forgive is so crucial to a healthy marriage. It is also important to recognize when we are wrong and to apologize to our spouse. Don’t be too proud to admit when you are wrong. We all make mistakes. Sometimes we do something that is inconsiderate or selfish. The sooner we recognize it, and apologize, the healthier our marriage will be. (Read Taking Out the Trash)
Sex
Sex in marriage is one of the greatest benefits of a healthy marriage. Every couple enters into marriage with the expectation that their spouse will fulfill this crucial element of marriage. But many couples fail to discuss sex, or communicate their expectations to one another before marriage. They simply assume their fiancé will share their ideals.

Engaged couples need to have appropriate, meaningful conversations to make sure they are on the same page. The closer you get to your wedding date, the deeper these conversations should become. Be careful to have these discussions in places that protect you from temptation. Try to find a public place where you can have a private conversation.

When both husband and wife make their first priority to serve each other rather than serving themselves, they will do well. When considering a prospective spouse, observe how they act in the other areas of your relationship. Are they self absorbed or are they others centered? Do they have integrity or do they fudge on boundaries? Do they protect you from sexual temptation or do they try every ploy to get you into the sack? Whatever you are before marriage, will typically be magnified in marriage.

In order to have a thriving sexual relationship in marriage, we need to maintain a healthy relationship in all of the other areas. They are all connected. (Read: The Chapter on Sex)

An important note: If you have any sexually transmitted diseases, it is very important that you disclose them to your fiance before you get married. That way if you spouse becomes infected with them, there will not be any question of unfaithfulness associated with them. If they are incurable, disclose them. If they are curable, get them cured completely before you get married. If there is any chance they will reoccur, disclose them.

Choose your spouse carefully. You are entrusting them to be the only person in the world who will be authorized to meet your sexual needs. (Read Whose Body is it Anyway?)
Children
Be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth. Gen 1:28
First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes… you guessed it. Married couples often look forward to raising their own family. So before you marry, it is important to discuss whether or not you plan to have children, generally how many you plan to have and to have a general agreement on how they will be raised. Husbands and wives often come from families who differ in their approach to raising children. Don’t assume your spouse knows or agrees with your philosophy. Talk about it together in depth. Read books, study, take classes and learn to be an excellent parent.
Blended Families
Yours, Mine and Ours.
Almost half of the marriages today result in blended families. That means that each spouse brings children with them into the marriage. Then sometimes, to complicate matters, the couple has a child together. If you’re not careful, your natural parental instincts will lead you to show favoritism to your children that are related to you by blood. A married couple must make a herculean effort to never let this happen. It is important that couples view all of their children as OUR children and to love them and carry the responsibility of raising them together. Children will often exploit the fact of their blended family to “divide and conquer”. Husband and wife must always maintain a united front and raise all of their children equally as OUR children. The children may not acknowledge or fully understand this concept, but it is crucial to their wellbeing and the health of your marriage.
Religion
This last item really should be first. Statistically marriages have a substantially higher rate of success when a couple agrees upon these four major areas of life: Money, Children, In-laws and Religion.
The bible says: Can two walk together, unless they are agreed? Amos 3:3 and of course the answer is No, not very far, and not for very long. Marriage is a lifetime commitment. If you marry someone with a different religion, they will have a different value system. That means with each passing day, you are bound to grow farther apart rather that growing closer together. If you marry someone with the same value system, you are much more likely to grow closer and closer together in a relationship that will last a lifetime. This is such an important subject that the bible tells Christians: Do not be unequally yoked together with unbelievers. For what fellowship has righteousness with lawlessness? And what communion has light with darkness? 2 Corinthians 6:14

Conclusion
Choosing a spouse is one of the most important decisions you will make in your entire life. Time spent preparing for your marriage is some of the most worthwhile use of your time. Do not hurry through this important preparation. Be prayerful and careful. Is it easy to discuss each of these topics? Do you find that you and your future spouse generally agree on most all of them? If your answer is yes, then you can proceed with confidence as you prepare for your marriage and as you make a life together.

Communication: The Life-Blood of Marriage

Posted on August 17, 2013 by John Paladini

“What we’ve got here is a failure to communicate.” This famous line from Cool Hand Luke describes a universal challenge for marriages. Husbands and wives don’t always communicate with each other as well as we should.
In this age where everybody carries multiple communication devices, you’d think we’d be better at it. Today we can text, tweet, Face Time, Insta-gram, post on Facebook or Linked-In, email, chat, FAX, call or write a note. With Siri’s help, we can even do it “hands-free”.
But these are not the only ways we communicate. A smile across the room, or simply making eye contact during a conversation communicates volumes. We communicate love by giving each other our time and our undivided attention.
Sadly, we sometimes communicate in unhealthy ways as well. There is a negative effect when we raise our voice, roll our eyes, nag, or use sarcasm. Behaviors like dropping your dirty clothes on the floor, or leaving the gas tank of the car empty also communicate.
But most of the time it is the words we speak and the tone in which we speak them.
Why do you suppose healthy communication is vital to a healthy marriage? Because communication is where we connect. It is the life-link between our lives. Communication is to a relationship, like blood is to a body. Blood flows to and from every cell of the body. It brings life sustaining oxygen and nourishment, and it carries away the hazardous waste. If we cut off the flow of blood, the cells will die. If we cut off communication our relationships will die. But, if we maintain quality communication in our marriages, they will stay strong and healthy, and best of all, we will truly feel connected.

Here’s what the bible has to say about Communication:
Proverbs 18:21 says: Death and life are in the power of the tongue…
We learn: The health of our marriage relationship is directly affected by the quality of our communication.
Proverbs 16:23-24 says: The heart of the wise teaches his mouth, and adds learning to his lips. Pleasant words are like a honeycomb, sweetness to the soul and health to the bones.
We learn: We can teach ourselves to communicate well.
Proverbs 18:13 says: He who answers a matter before he hears it, it is folly and shame to him.
We learn: We need to be a ready listener. Don’t answer until the other person is finished. James 1:19 says “be swift to hear and slow to speak and slow to wrath.”
Proverbs 15:28 says: The heart of the righteous studies how to answer, but the mouth of the wicked pours forth evil.
We learn: How we answer is just as important as what we answer. It is OK to take time to process before we answer our spouse.
Proverbs 15:1 says: A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.
We learn: Stop arguments before they get started. Speak in civil tones and you’ll have much more productive conversations.

Proverbs 21:23 says: Whoever guards his mouth and tongue keeps his soul from troubles.
We learn: We seldom regret words we didn’t say.

Proverbs 29:20 says: Do you see a man hasty in his words? There is more hope for a fool than for him.
We learn: Slow down. Think before you speak. We don’t have to say every thought that comes into our mind.

Proverbs 31:26 says: She opens her mouth with wisdom, and on her tongue is the law of kindness.
We learn: Wisdom is knowledge rightly applied. Speak good words that are appropriate. There are some laws we should never break lest we suffer. Unless our tongue is governed by the law of kindness, we should say nothing. Remember love is patient and kind… 1 Cor 13:4
Proverbs 25:15 says: By long forbearance a ruler is persuaded, and a gentle tongue breaks a bone.
We learn: We don’t need to be harsh or forceful to make a point.
Proverbs 25:11-12 says: A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in settings of silver. Like an earring of gold and an ornament of fine gold is a wise rebuker to an obedient ear.
We learn: Choose your words carefully and your spouse will appreciate your help to discover the solution to their need.

Proverbs 18:2 says: A fool has no delight in understanding, but in expressing his own heart.
We learn: Acting self-centered, self-willed or self-important is foolish. We already know our own opinion. Spend less energy trying to be interesting, and more energy being interested in others.
Proverbs 27:2 Let another man praise you, and not your own mouth; a stranger, and not your own lips.
We learn: Speak well of your spouse. Nobody wants to listen to you bragging about yourself.

Proverbs 25:9 says: Debate your case with your neighbor, and do not disclose the secret to another.
We learn: If you have a problem with your spouse, don’t complain to other people. Rather, talk with your spouse and together you may solve it. If you need help, enlist a counselor or someone who will be part of the solution.
Proverbs 17:14 says: The beginning of strife is like releasing water; therefore stop contention before a quarrel starts.
We learn: Arguing doesn’t solve problems; it often causes them to escalate. A productive, respectful conversation will accomplish much more towards resolving a conflict.

Proverbs 29:11 says: A fool vents all his feelings, but a wise man holds them back.
We learn: After decades of encouraging people to “vent” their feelings. Psychologists have discovered that God was right all along. “Venting” is unhealthy and unwise…go figure.
Psalm 141:3 says: Set a guard, O LORD, over my mouth; keep watch over the door of my lips.
We learn: Ask the Lord to help you speak only good words that will enhance your marriage.

Isaiah 50:4 says: The Lord GOD has given me the tongue of the learned, that I should know how to speak a word in season to him who is weary.
We learn: Ask the Lord to give you words to encourage your spouse.

Ephesians 4:15 says: Speak the truth in love.
We learn: Spouses can help and encourage one another by reminding each other what is true. When we do so, in an attitude of love, we become our spouse’s best ally.
Ephesians 4:29 says Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but what is good for necessary edification, that it may impart grace to the hearers.
We learn: Words hurt and words heal. I wrote an e-book entitled The Weight of Words, based on this scripture. You can find it by clicking this link.
http://www.amazon.com/The-Weight-of-Words-ebook/dp/B00557YS9C

Chick Flick

Posted on July 13, 2013 by John Paladini

“Marriage is hard work.” I know you’ve heard this phrase before and you may have even uttered it yourself. But just how hard is the work, really? If we’re honest with ourselves, we can spend more energy avoiding the “work” than actually doing it. So, guys, I offer two words that will be an investment in your marriage: Chick Flick. Here’s how you can tell if you’re watching a chick flick. There will be no explosions, no breaking glass, no guns and no blood.

My wife, Andee, likes those British movies about women named Jane: Jane Eyre, Jane Austen, Lost in Austen, Pride and Prejudice, Wives and Daughters, and now, Downton Abbey. But I have a question: Do any of the men in those movies ever work? So I call them movies about men who don’t work. I don’t mean to be disrespectful, but I don’t quite understand the guys in these movies. (I say quite because that’s what the British say.)

All those movies seem to have the same storyline:
They all center on a very wealthy man who doesn’t work, and who can only produce daughters. In each movie, he sits in his study wringing his hands because a distant cousin is going to inherit his wealth when he dies. His cousins seem to produce plenty of sons, all of questionable character. The sons only want to marry rich girls so they won’t have to work…and presumably, they will sit in their study wringing their hands.

Throw in a hysterical scheming mother and a rich, handsome young man who just happens to be single (probably because he can’t communicate his feelings). There’s always a ball where everybody knows how to dance. Then in a “surprising” twist, he falls in love with the plainest daughter and the movie ends with their wedding.
No wonder England is so messed up!

But real life doesn’t end with a wedding. The wedding is only the beginning of a marriage. Chick flicks never show life after the wedding because going to work and doing laundry doesn’t sell movies. Raising children and paying bills aren’t sexy. Yet they are the substance of everyday life. Plus, most of us don’t have a staff of servants to run our estate. So when the kitchen sink springs a leak, “Yours Truly Plumbing Service” gets to repair it. That would be me.
Sometimes, at the end of the day when the work is all done, I’ll watch a chick flick with my wife. It is great for our relationship. It allows us to connect on a level that guys don’t even know we have.

I’m no Colin Firth, but I know how important it is to take an interest in doing things that please my wife. (British movies help by reminding me to communicate so I don’t become like those British actors.)

Letting our spouse choose the movie is a great way that married couples can serve one another, (especially if we don’t complain.) Andee is great at this. Because whenever Friday night rolls around, and I suggest that we watch Band of Brothers or Blackhawk Down, She is quick to agree and starts popping the popcorn. Now that’s connecting!

Leanin’

Posted on June 23, 2013 by paladinipotpie

“Hey, Luce, was he leanin’?” Joey Fusco was the son of the superintendent at Lucy Moderatz’s apartment building. He was always watching to see how close Lucy was getting to guys. Or how close they were getting to her.

“Was he leanin’?” It became a family joke after we watched “While You Were Sleeping” as our daughter, Monica, moved into her dating years.

To lean means “To bend or slant away from the vertical.” – to relax and not be so rigid, proper, and perfectly aligned.

John and I have a place in our kitchen where we do a lot of leanin’. We stand and talk and lean. We lean against the sink, and we lean toward each other. More than once, I remember Monica walking in and looking at us and saying (in her best Joey Fusco voice), “Hey! You guys leanin’?”

Sometimes you have to bend or slant away from the vertical. And relax.

We always say there’s probably a groove worn in the kitchen floor, where our feet stand at that place we lean against the sink. If you added together all the minutes we’ve stood there, it would probably be more than 100 hours.

What do we talk about? This and that. Everything. Anything.

As Billy Joel put it, “I don’t want clever conversation. I never want to work that hard. I just want someone that I can talk to. I want you just the way you are.”

Sometimes we just talk about our day, or family stuff or jokes or a cool bible verse we came across. Sometimes we talk about what we’re reading, or something we heard on the radio, or what’s in the news.

Sometimes more than other times, we bend away from the vertical…both physically and emotionally.

These are the times we call M.I.M. – Mouth In Motion.

I might be overwhelmed with some problem that I can’t clearly sort out for myself, so as we lean against the sink I’ll start talking. I’ll usually begin with a disclaimer – “This is just M.I.M.” Translation: “I’m just going to say everything in my mind, sort of dump it out on the proverbial table in a big pile. Don’t take it too seriously…well, yes, take it seriously, but don’t hold me to it.”

Totally honest talk to a non-judgmental, listening ear.

So I talk – mouth in motion – I dump it all out in a haphazard heap, and John helps me pick up each piece, shake it out and see if it’s real, or where it fits into reality. He helps me bring order into the issue, and reminds me to get rid of whatever is not true, noble, right, pure, lovely, or admirable — and if anything is excellent or praiseworthy, to think about such things. He reminds me to toss out the garbage thoughts. He helps me make sense of the problem, and maybe figure out a solution. Or he promises to pray with me as I go through whatever it is.

And it works both ways. John has the M.I.M. and I help him sort it out.

I’m not talking about interpersonal issues between the two of us. That would be another blog. John touched on it here.

M.I.M. – “Mouth in Motion” – Obviously we can’t go around venting, and pouring out our every thought to everyone we know. The bible has plenty to say about guarding our tongue and choosing our words carefully. But when a man and woman are married, God says the two have become one. If there is anyone in the world with whom we can be completely transparent and spontaneous it must be our spouse – our other half. (If you are reading this and you’re not married, ask the Lord if there are one or two people in your life who are very close, true friends, and give each other M.I.M. permission. I actually learned M.I.M. from my room-mate, Barbie, before John and I were married.)

The bottom line is that it will help you keep your sanity and think clearly if you have …someone that you can talk to…someone good at leanin’.

Special thanks to my wife Andee for contributing this post. I so appreciate her help and insight. If you’d like to read more, check out her blog, Paladini PotPie.

Walking the Plank

Posted on June 15, 2013 by John Paladini

I am a blame-shifter…but it’s not my fault. Actually, I’ve been this way for a long time. But now that I think of it, I’ve really perfected it to an art form, since I got married. Hey, I’m not perfect; but neither are you.

I attribute my problem to my family of origin issues. It must be some kind of genetic mutation because I’m just like my great, great, great grandfather Adam. I blame God and I blame my wife: It’s the woman you gave me! Gen 3:12
Sin is ugly. It deceives us into thinking we’re doing alright and lookin’ good. Like the people in the church of Laodicea, we say, ‘I am rich, have become wealthy, and have need of nothing’—and do not know that you are wretched, miserable, poor, blind, and naked.

We think: no one will notice. But we’re as inconspicuous as a pirate in Nordstrom’s. “ARRRR, Where be the turtleneck sweaters?” Not only are we oblivious to our own sin, but we have the audacity to point out the failures of our spouse. We are ready to make them walk the plank over the smallest failings in their life. But before we condemn them to Davey Jones’ locker, Jesus has much better solution.
Jesus uses an outlandish word picture to set us back on course. He tells us: First remove the plank from your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye. (Matt 7:5)
According to Jesus, I should be much more concerned with the sin in my life than the sins of others. When it comes to sin, if I am going to be any kind of help to my wife, I must first gain the valuable experience of dealing with my own sin. Our spouse needs help, but it must be compassionate help. The only healthy approach to helping others deal with their sin is to do so with humility and grace. Humility and grace act as a “corrective lens” so we can discern the true need, and help them see the solution.

A quality marriage includes helping one another steer clear of the shoals that cause the shipwreck of so many marriages. And to encourage one another to follow the instruction of God’s Word and set a course for smooth sailing. The best part is, you will discover the treasure God has given you in your mate.

Are You My Mother?

Posted on May 24, 2013 by John Paladini

“If I don’t get a pony I’ll die! I want one, and I want it now!” The little girl stood stamping her feet, her fists clenched by her side and her eyes squeezed shut as her face turned a deep shade of crimson.
“There, there honey, Daddy will get you a pony. Don’t cry.”
“Oh, thank you daddy. I love you. But now I don’t have anything to wear!”
Do you recognize this scenario?
In the old days we used to call this child a spoiled brat.
But what happens if this young lady grows up and gets married and she’s never heard the word “no”?

“Honey, Macy’s had a big sale, and guess how much money I saved today? You do want me to have nice things, don’t you?” she said batting her eyes as she set down a pile of shopping bags.

“I work hard and bring home the biggest pay check. You figure out how to pay the bills,” he said as he got the boat ready for a weekend on the lake.
Growing up, we all had different ideas of what a quality marriage looks like. But one of the biggest keys to a marriage that works is simply that. We need to grow up!
When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child; but when I became a man, I put away childish things. 1 Corinthians 13:11
Husbands and wives need to be mature, and fulfill their God-given roles in their relationship. A husband who waits until his wife nags him to take out the garbage is doing himself a disservice as well as her. He frustrates his wife to the point where she feels like she is the only grown up in the home and begins to treat him like one of the kids. Not only does he feel disrespected but he begins to view her like his mother instead of his lover. The same goes for the wife who acts like a spoiled brat until her husband puts his foot down like her father.
Ecclesiastes 4:9 says Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their labor.
A marriage will suffer if only one partner is being a grown-up. It becomes a labor of love when both lovers work toward the same dreams and the same goals. Done well, each will discipline themselves to fulfill their role so their relationship will stay healthy and they will reach their goals together.
Does that mean we can never have any fun? Of course not. In fact you’ll probably have more fun. Frankly, men don’t feel romantic about their mothers nor do women toward their fathers. By growing in your role as husband and wife, you’ll begin to relate to one another like lovers again. You’ll feel well connected with one another, just as if you’re in it together…. because you are.

Chivalry

Posted on May 6, 2013 by John Paladini

The other day I found myself sitting at a table with seven co-workers. They were all women ranging in age from twenty-five to fifty-five and I was the token male. The subject of tattoos and piercings came up, and I listened as they related their stories. One young lady who is about twenty-five years old said, “When my father found out I had pierced my navel, he didn’t speak to me for a month.”

The conversation made me wonder. When is it appropriate to change with the culture, and when is it appropriate to preserve the values of the past? So I threw the question out to the group, and I was amazed at the response. What about chivalry? I asked. Is chivalry dead? Should we teach our young men to treat a woman like a lady, or do women feel patronized when we do that, and don’t want to be treated that way anymore. The response was unanimous. PLEASE teach the young men to treat us like ladies, we love it!

First of all you don’t have to look like Fred Astaire to be a gentleman. William Wallace in Braveheart treated women with respect. The apostle Paul told Timothy to treat older women as mothers, younger women as sisters. (1 Tim 5:2) In other words, treat women the way you want men to treat your mom and your sister. When I think of my mom, my sister, or my wife stranded on the side of the road with a flat tire, I would want a respectful, helpful man to change her tire; and protect her from unscrupulous men who would take advantage of the situation. But most of life is not that extreme. Everyday life provides opportunities to offer to carry a heavy box or open a door for her.

I Peter 3:7 exhorts us to…give honor to the wife as to the weaker vessel… This much misunderstood passage does not undermine the fact that men and women are equal. But we are different. God wants men to treat women with honor and respect. He does not want us to treat them like we treat another man: “Carry your own luggage!” God wants men to treat their wives like fine crystal, and not like a 99 cent tumbler.

One of the young ladies at our table told of how she had traveled to a South America as a single gal. She was so impressed with the polite way she was treated by the men, that she came home, broke up with her American boyfriend, and began dating a Peruvian, whom she would soon marry. Then she related how she had to train herself to wait for him, and allow him to open her car door for her. It seems to me that there is a delicate balance couples must learn, in order to give their spouse the opportunity to serve without projecting an attitude of entitlement.

Another lady expressed how much she appreciates it when her husband walks on the “traffic side” of the sidewalk. “But he doesn’t always remember to do it,” she added. A word to women; you can communicate to the men in your life that you are receptive to us being chivalrous, by pausing at doors or making it your practice to walk on the inside of the sidewalk. Also by graciously accepting these courtesies from men, you are reinforcing others-centered behaviors that strengthen the fabric of our society and make us better men. Thank you!

The Chapter on Sex

Posted on May 1, 2013 by John Paladini

Why do they always put the chapter on sex at the back of the book? I am the dubious owner of over a hundred books about marriage. I’m not sure if that makes me a scholar or an idiot, but it is what it is. I think God makes me study and teach this stuff so I won’t forget it. But I find it interesting that virtually every book on marriage has the chapter on sex at the end of the book. It may be that they are embarrassed to talk about it. Or possibly they are being pious, as if to say that sex is unimportant to Christians. But the truth is, according to all the couples I’ve counseled over the years, having a healthy love life is a big deal! Years ago, Willard Harley Jr. wrote a book entitled His Needs, Her Needs (Revell 1986) where he cites a scientific study stating that of a man’s top five needs, sex is number one. The woman’s number one need is for affection. If that is the case, we shouldn’t pretend it is unimportant; “out of sight, out of mind”. Because, although we may keep it out of sight, it will not stay out of mind.
So, I figured we’d better begin with the end in mind as Stephen Covey says in his book, The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. When it comes to sex, that isn’t difficult, because many of us already do this. And therein lies the challenge. We might not have said it in so many words but from the time a teenage boy discovers girls, he’s trying to see if he can get to first base, second base, third base…you get my point. So why is it that when we get married, we forget all those baseball analogies and try to score with our spouse without ever rounding the bases?
Climax is a word that is familiar to all of us in reference to our sexual relationship. It’s interesting because it is from the Greek word, Klimax which means Ladder. I have another book called Sex Begins in the Kitchen by Dr. Kevin Lehman. No, it’s not some kinky Love American Style book, but the title says it all. You’ve heard of foreplay? What about before foreplay? Chances are your wife would find it very romantic if you’d help her with the dishes after dinner. Maybe your husband’s favorite home cooked meal would set the tone for a romantic evening. Every thoughtful thing we do for one another is like climbing another rung of the romantic ladder towards the climax.
I was teaching a married couples’ bible study, using my ladder analogy, and one bewildered husband piped up and said “Every time I get almost to the top I see big bold writing that says DO NOT STAND ON OR ABOVE THIS STEP” We all laughed at his wit, but we also, all understood his frustration.
So I guess I got the answer to my question. All those chapters leading up to the Chapter on Sex are important rungs of the ladder. So we’ll talk about all of them, ways to climb the ladder as well as the challenges and pitfalls couples face. In the meantime, let’s remember back to our dating relationship and all those little things that made our future spouse feel special. Going places they liked to go, eating the foods they like to eat, and paying attention to the things that were important to them. And let’s begin again to climb the ladder trusting the Lord for a very satisfying result.

Jesus said: Remember therefore from where you have fallen; repent and do again the first works Rev 2:5

Takers and Givers

Posted on April 15, 2013 by John Paladini

I don’t like one-sided relationships. But I’m in one, where I feel like I do all the giving. I don’t mind doing my fair share, but a little appreciation would go a long way. In a perfect world we would share the same goals and work together towards them, but that’s not happening anytime soon. So I grit my teeth and write the check to the IRS, and pay my taxes once again.
Are you a taker or a giver? Everybody loves a giver. Givers are considered generous, compassionate and loving. Takers, on the other hand, are viewed as greedy, selfish and uncaring. As a single person, many of us had been looking out for #1 for so long that we didn’t automatically shift gears when we got married. But we do need to shift gears. Selfishness steals from our marriage, whereas generosity enhances it. To emphasize the point, the Apostle Paul substitutes the verb take with the word steal in Ephesians 4:28 Let him who stole steal no longer, but rather let him labor, working with his hands what is good, that he may have something to give him who has need.
Paul wants our relationship with Jesus to change us from being takers into givers. Walking with Jesus is supposed to change us from being self-centered to being others centered.
Most people agree that every relationship should have a little give and take but I’d like to modify that just a little. Because I’ve noticed that instead of give and take, marriage works better when characterized by give and receive. It may be semantics but I think there is an important distinction. Many people say marriage is a 50/50 proposition. I give 50%, my spouse gives 50% and that makes a good marriage. The problem with this equation is that it leaves both spouses with their cup half full. The bible instructs us to give ourselves completely to our spouse. If I’ve done the math right, that means that biblical marriage is a 100/100 proposition. If I give 100% to my spouse and my spouse give 100% to me, both of our needs are met 100%. Even better, they are not met by us taking what we need, but rather, by receiving what is gladly given by our spouse.
Jesus said, It is more blessed to give than to receive… and it is. But receiving is pretty fun too!