Why is he your dog when he is lying by the fireplace on his dog bed and my dog when he is tracking mud across the carpet? Your dog is well-behaved while my dog needs to be scolded for digging in the garden. May I remind you that we only have one dog?

We love our pets. But pets add another dynamic to every household. They bring companionship and love. They also bring challenges, a few expenses, and all the considerations of having another “person” in the house. After all, pets become part of the family.

Meet Simon. He likes to play with tennis balls; he makes a mess when he drinks his water, and he has a love/hate relationship with the mail man. Meet Loami. She is our cat, but she is not our cat. It’s complicated. It is more like we are her people. (Read Loami’s story.) She eats our cat food, sleeps in our Cat Flat, and goes to the vet at our expense. In exchange for our hospitality, she graces us with her presence, leaves hairballs on the patio and presents us with a dead rat every once in a while.

Simon and Loami fight like cats and dogs. Now don’t get me wrong, they love each other; they just have different ways of showing love. Simon can‘t figure out why Loami doesn’t want to romp and wrestle. It couldn’t have anything to do with the fact that he outweighs her by 70 lbs. Loami just wants to lay in the sunshine and cuddle. But every time Simon tries to lay down next to her, his giant feet inevitably find her tail and off she runs, leaving him perplexed, as if to say “Hey, I thought we were going to cuddle?”.

I can’t help but notice the similarities to the way husbands and wives relate to each other. I often try to solve relational problems the only way I know how, powering my way through. But my big dopey paws end up making matters worse rather than better.

The animal Kingdom is ruled by dominance. Whichever species can dominate the other ascends to the top of the food chain. But human relationships are supposed to be different. We humans are not limited to a survival of the fittest existence. Our Creator has given us the ability to reason, and to choose between right and wrong, good and evil; to defer immediate gratification for a better future. We can reason that to have a healthy and happy future, we must control our conduct in the present. Humans are not supposed to rule by dominance, but persuade by influence. When we use this approach, we discover not only a more willing spouse, but that we are happily pursuing the same goal together.

The apostle Peter said: Husbands, dwell with your wives with understanding, giving honor to the wife, as to the weaker vessel, 1 Peter 3:7

Simon doesn’t get it. He uses every tool in his tool belt to try and fix his relationship with Loami, but he often ends up frustrated. We husbands may never fully understand all the intricacies of our wives, but we can grow to understand the best ways to approach her.  When we treat our wives in ways than honor her, we produce results that are a blessing to both of us.

Now can we cuddle?

“All you need is love…. John Lennon wrote to a generation who said “God is dead”. Yeah, yeah, yeah… He’s talkin’ bout my generation. (oops, wrong band) Now John Lennon is dead and God is still alive. Paul McCartney, sporting a few more wrinkles at the ripe old age of seventy two, filled Candlestick Park with Silly Love Songs for its final event. Now, The Stick will go the way of all flesh and be demolished. And what will take its place? Condos and retail… Shocker!     It seems that one generation passes away, and another generation comes, and there’s nothing new under the sun. (Ecc 1:4 & 9). But there is a higher love than the Beatles sang about. And the living God wants us to experience that love.
The bible tells us husbands to love our wives as Christ loved the church, and gave Himself for her. (Eph 5:25). Guys agree, but still have a hard time with this. Because just about every guy I know, is already doing his best to translate his feelings into action. But what if I told you that love has nothing to do with feelings? Don’t get me wrong, I have strong feelings of love for my wife. But true love gives and serves and sacrifices whether or not it has that loving feeling. True love chooses consistently to do what is best for our bride. Inconceivable? Not really. Here’s how we develop that consistency.
We all want to have a glorious bride, without spot or wrinkle (Sorry ladies, I’m doing the best I can with what I have to work with.) Eph 5:27. One way a husband can love his wife is to protect her. I know that sounds chauvinist but male chavanism wasn’t even invented until 1969. I’ve seldom met a woman who would not want their knight in shining armor to sweep her off her feet…but I digress. Husbands should protect their wives. Whether from the physical danger of a mugger, or more  subtle dangers such as a “friend’s” ungodly influence or destructive habits, or too much exposure to worldly media.
Spots are defilement from the outside and wrinkles are an outward sign of inward decay. The antidote to spots and wrinkles is the washing of water of the Word. I told you love isn’t for sissies. The word of God can do what the billion dollar cosmetic industry cannot do.
Just as a disclaimer, this doesn’t mean that a devoted Christian woman will not develop wrinkles. But joy in our lives turns wrinkles into laugh lines.

Guys, let’s face it, we are finite and fallible.
God instructs our wives to follow us, even though we will sometimes make mistakes and fail. If we’re honest, that’s terrifying! Imagine how hard that is for your wife. Remember, God is conforming her into His image, not ours. We lead her to live by His standards, not ours. Our job is to lead her to Him, to trust him and to honor Him with her life. Leading by example works best.
Jesus said Love one another as I have loved you. John 13:14 Jesus has loved us passionately, unconditionally, sacrificially, selflessly, humbly, graciously, continuously. We all want to be successful at being a husband. By making our aim, our goal, our personal commitment to align with Jesus, we will succeed.

There is no topic more controversial in the scriptures than the topic of biblical submission. The very mention of the word causes hackles to be raised and teeth to be bared. Wives envision themselves in subjection as a slave, to her husband’s every whim. And husbands kind of like the idea of having a slave who has to do anything he orders. But that’s not biblical submission, and it certainly is NOT what the bible calls husbands and wives to. So put those claws back in their sheath, and let’s talk about what the bible really says.

Submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God. Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body. Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; Ephesians 5:21-25 KJV
First, let’s remind ourselves that in marriage, God takes two lives and makes them into one: the two shall become one flesh. (Gen 2:24) Since God knows that anything with two heads is a monstrosity,  he assigns different roles to the husband and wife.
Secondly, God does not instruct us to force one another into subjection, but to voluntarily submit ourselves to his plan, and to honor Him by taking our place in his plan. There is a huge difference between servitude and servanthood. Servitude is forced upon us and servanthood is a voluntary act of our own will.
God knows that in order to have a satisfying marriage, we need to change from two individuals who live to serve themselves, to a couple who live to serve and satisfy each other.
The apostle Paul implores us to be like our Lord:
Let this mind be in you which was also in Christ Jesus, who, being in the form of God, did not consider it robbery to be equal with God, but made Himself of no reputation, taking the form of a bondservant, and coming in the likeness of men. And being found in appearance as a man, He humbled Himself and became obedient to the point of death, even the death of the cross. Phil 2:5-8
Most of us will never need to take a bullet and die for our spouse. But what a privilege to live to serve them.

This has certainly been the year of the selfie. It’s a picture of my favorite person…ME! You know, the photos we take of ourselves and post on Facebook as if the rest of the world is as obsessed with me as I am? The self-portraits have become so prevalent that “selfie” will soon be inducted into Webster’s Dictionary and into the English language. It has to be the word of the year.
And who ever heard of a camera that spins around and takes a picture of the photographer? No one, until Apple built it into its iPhone, and all the other phone manufacturers are scrambling to do the same.
We live in a culture obsessed with self. The market is flooded with self-improvement books, there is a big push for self-esteem and self-love through positive self-talk, then there’s Self Magazine which promotes self-absorption, and self-actualization through self-gratification. Then we go on a campaign of self-defense and self-justification through our self-published memoirs. Are you beginning to detect a pattern here?
People in general are selfish and self-centered. But our natural narcissism is an enemy of our marriage. In fact, it’s akin to original sin. We can’t lose any time redirecting our affections if we want to have a healthy marriage. James warns: For where envy and self-seeking exist, confusion and every evil thing are there. (James 3:16) These are not words we want associated with our marriage.
The apostle Paul has a better way: Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself. (Phil 2:3)
I know. The first thing we think is: “Hey, what about me? (I told you we are self-absorbed.) The man in my mirror doesn’t want to take second place to anyone. He likes to look out for Numero Uno! Paul follows it up with the next verse: Let each of you look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others. (Phil 2:4)
When we put the most important “other”- our spouse – first, it’s the very best investment we can make to assure that our own life will be awesome. Paul said it another way in Ephesians 5:28 So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself. If you want to do yourself a favor, love your spouse well.
This doesn’t mean that I never get my needs met. What it means is that I don’t get my needs met by taking or insisting. Instead my needs are met, as a response, from a well-loved and well-satisfied wife.
When we do marriage right we don’t have to pursue what we need, and extract it from our relationship. But rather, when we put our energy into serving and loving our spouse, we will reap the dividends as they respond. This way, both our needs are met, willingly and lovingly by each other. And we will both feel very well loved. I like this plan so much better.

How many of us remember this Bumper Sticker? “Visualize World Peace” was the slogan of a well-meaning organization called Peace Vision that originated in Texas in 1985. (These things always originate in Texas). They believed that if enough individuals visualized peace, there would be peace in the world. The only problem is, it doesn’t work!
Back in the day, you would see these bumper stickers all around town. You’d see them on cars in bumper-to-bumper traffic on the freeway. And you’d see their drivers offering gestures that were NOT the peace symbol.
But ”World Peace” is too big an issue for most of us. What we really want is a little peace in our homes and in our marriages.

If I asked you: How do you define “Peace”?
Some would say:
…If only I could get my teenager to….
…If only I could get my boss to………….
…If only I could get my Husband to…..
…If only I could get my wife to………….you fill in the blank.
How do we find this elusive thing called peace?
Long before John Lennon penned the words to his famous song, couples have longed for “domestic tranquility”…Peace. Why then, if we all want the same thing, do we argue? Why don’t we “Make Love, not War”?
The bible says it is because we become addicted to our own pleasure:
Where do all the fights and quarrels among you come from? They come from your desires for pleasure, which are constantly fighting within you. You want things, but you cannot have them, so you are ready to kill; you strongly desire things, but you cannot get them, so you quarrel and fight. James 4:1-2 GNT
There is a phenomenon known as “The Fog of War” where in the heat of the battle, things become so chaotic that soldiers fire upon their own forces, sometimes resulting in heavy casualties from “friendly fire”. Our marriages sometimes suffer the same kind of collateral damage. Instead of joining forces with our spouse to enjoy the blessings of life, we get into small skirmishes that quickly escalate into World War III. Later we say things like “I can’t believe I said that.” Or, “I can’t believe I did that.”
But the answer to protecting our marriage is not military, it is not organizational and it is not political. Our battle is a spiritual battle and the answer is spiritual as well. The apostle Paul wrote Walk in the Spirit, and you will not fulfill the lust of the flesh. Gal 5:16. Only God can help us win the war against our sin nature.
In a war, an army can only win if it keeps its supply lines open.
It is the same in a spiritual battle. If we sow to the flesh, we will reap corruption. But if we sow to the spirit, we will reap everlasting Life. Gal 6:8.
Which side are you supplying?
It is good to remember that the end of war is supposed to be peace. We can’t treat our spouse like a prisoner of war. We must declare an armistice. In fact, every day should be Armistice Day. The bible tells us “Do not let the sun go down on your wrath.” Eph 4:26
For he who would love life and see good days, let him refrain his tongue from evil, and his lips from speaking deceit. Let him turn away from evil and do good; let him seek peace and pursue it! Peter 3:10-11
So what’ve we got to lose? Let’s give peace a chance.

I am a blame-shifter…but it’s not my fault. Actually, I’ve been this way for a long time. But now that I think of it, I’ve really perfected it to an art form, since I got married. Hey, I’m not perfect; but neither are you.

I attribute my problem to my family of origin issues. It must be some kind of genetic mutation because I’m just like my great, great, great grandfather Adam. I blame God and I blame my wife: It’s the woman you gave me! Gen 3:12
Sin is ugly. It deceives us into thinking we’re doing alright and lookin’ good. Like the people in the church of Laodicea, we say, ‘I am rich, have become wealthy, and have need of nothing’—and do not know that you are wretched, miserable, poor, blind, and naked.

We think: no one will notice. But we’re as inconspicuous as a pirate in Nordstrom’s. “ARRRR, Where be the turtleneck sweaters?” Not only are we oblivious to our own sin, but we have the audacity to point out the failures of our spouse. We are ready to make them walk the plank over the smallest failings in their life. But before we condemn them to Davey Jones’ locker, Jesus has much better solution.
Jesus uses an outlandish word picture to set us back on course. He tells us: First remove the plank from your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye. (Matt 7:5)
According to Jesus, I should be much more concerned with the sin in my life than the sins of others. When it comes to sin, if I am going to be any kind of help to my wife, I must first gain the valuable experience of dealing with my own sin. Our spouse needs help, but it must be compassionate help. The only healthy approach to helping others deal with their sin is to do so with humility and grace. Humility and grace act as a “corrective lens” so we can discern the true need, and help them see the solution.

A quality marriage includes helping one another steer clear of the shoals that cause the shipwreck of so many marriages. And to encourage one another to follow the instruction of God’s Word and set a course for smooth sailing. The best part is, you will discover the treasure God has given you in your mate.