Bedrock is more than the mythical home of Fred and Wilma Flintstone. It is a safe place, a secure place, a solid place to build your home.

Every engaged couple has dreams of making a home together. Granted, the dreams vary widely from couple to couple. Some dream of suburbia with a white picket fence.

Some prefer an apartment in downtown Manhattan. And others would be happy to live in a tent, as long as they can be together.

Some couples skip marriage all together and just “shack up”. They say, “We don’t need a piece of paper.” They establish their relationships on the philosophy of the day. But those kinds of arrangements lack foundation, which is crucial to secure and lasting relationships. Some couples marry because they want to “do the right thing”. Some are just lazy or willful, and rush into marriage without taking the time to get to know the person they are marrying. These impulsive relationships have no foundation at all, and often lead to disappointment and struggle.

The old song says “Into each life, some rain must fall. But most of us don’t expect a tsunami. We  assume that those only happen to other people. Any relationship can survive a thunderstorm or two, but crumble in the wake of a hurricane or an earthquake. The fact is, life happens.  And when it does, we discover what our relationships are made of. We find out what is real and what is merely a facade.

Warren Buffett says: You find out who was skinny dipping when the tide goes out.

Jesus wants us to have solid, sturdy, strong marriages. He doesn’t want us to live one disaster away from ruin. He wants our marriages to withstand the storms of life, not just for our own sakes, but for the sake of our families, our community and our world. He teaches us how to be wise and to build a life together on a solid foundation. On Him. He said the wise man built his house, and dug deep and laid the foundation on the Rock.

Statistically, couples who receive good pre-marriage counseling, who share the same faith, who have the same values are more likely to have happy marriages. Unless we take the time and devote the energy to “digging deep” into our relationship, how can we really know who our prospective mate is? See Seven Thing to Look for When Choosing a Husband,  Is She Hot? and Before You Get Married

It is always better to begin with a solid foundation. But what if we’re already married?  Many couples who began their marriage on shaky ground are coming to Jesus daily. They give their lives and their marriage to Jesus, and begin the journey of a “divine retrofit”.  I have to warn you, Jesus is a Master Builder and doesn’t take shortcuts. He won’t do little add-ons. He insists on doing a complete renovation. Couples who make Jesus the cornerstone of their marriage, experience a new sense of security and stability that they’d never dreamed possible. Because He is eternal and His truth is like bedrock. Jesus is the only foundation worthy to build our marriage on.

And the rain descended, the floods came, and the winds blew and beat on that house; and it did not fall, for it was founded on the Rock.

Husband means to care for. It seems like this is the best place to begin whether you are a man or a woman. I may be overstating the obvious, but here goes: A woman should choose a husband who will care for her. There, I said it. I know I’m not being politically correct but this one truth can save years of heartache. Another definition of a husband is a prudent or frugal manager. I must say, that over the years I have met a few who have not managed well and their marriages were less than bliss. But I’ve also met some extraordinary couples who “get it” and have exemplary marriages.
We’ll discuss Choosing a Wife in a future blog, but for now let’s see what women can learn from scripture about choosing a husband, and what men can learn about being a husband.
The apostle Paul defines the qualifications for “overseers” of the church (the bride of Christ) in 1Timothy 3:1-6. Although every husband does not aspire to be an “Elder” or “Deacon” in his local church, he must accept the role as “head” of his wife. Since God uses this analogy, it is reasonable for women to consider these attributes when choosing a husband. Every husband may not match the full biblical standard for deacon or elder, but if concessions are made, it is important that they are at least informed concessions.
Here is my paraphrase of this passage with the husband and his bride in mind:
1. If a man desires to be a Husband, he desires a good ministry. A husband must be above reproach, not living in conscious disregard for God’s Word. He must be living a standard higher than the world or society sets. When he sins, he owns his failure and repents quickly.
2. He must be a “one-woman-man”. He does not “look around” or flirt with other women. He does not have a track record of jumping from relationship to relationship. He has conducted himself honorably in past relationships and is conducting himself honorably in his relationship with you.
3. He must be self-restrained (not depending on you to be his conscience), moderate in opinions and indulgences (not an extremist). He must get along with others. He must not be addicted to alcohol or drugs, nor use them illegally or inappropriately. He knows his limits and his weaknesses regarding their use. He keeps his temper under control. He deals with anger biblically. He is quick to seek the Lord, instead of reacting violently. He is gentle, considerate and sensitive to you and others. He does not deal with you harshly in word or action. He does not force you or intimidate you into doing things against your conscience or convictions. He is not greedy for money. He keeps a healthy perspective on money. He works hard to provide, but does not spend all his energy trying to become rich. He does not justify illegal or dishonest gain even if it is only a cashier giving him too much change at the grocery store. He treats you like a lady. He is considerate of you “as the weaker vessel”. He treats you like a fine crystal goblet, not a 99 cent tumbler. He does not make every disagreement into an argument. He is able to disagree, and still maintain his Christian character. He does not need to “win” every argument. He does not justify himself when he fails but is able to admit when he is wrong, with grace. He is content. He is not consumed with the ungodly desire for more. He is not competing with his friends and neighbors to have the most or the best. He is not ruled by the lust of the eyes. He lives within his means. He does not live on credit. He is not deeply in debt or a slave to the lenders.
4&5. He rules his own house well. There is peace in his home. He is a godly and wise manager. He rules over his own passions. He influences others in his household to rule over their own passions. If he has children, he takes responsibility for their wellbeing. He lovingly leads and directs them. He trains them in the ways of the Lord. He lives as an example for them to follow. He does not provoke them to wrath. He does not lord it over them, but practices servant leadership. He is not so preoccupied with his job, his hobbies, or his ministry that his children are neglected.
6. He is not a new convert. There is solid evidence that Jesus is Lord of his life. You would use many of these words to truthfully describe him: Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness and self-control. He loves Jesus more than anyone, and is committed to living for Jesus no matter what. He is not consumed with pride. He does not see himself above others. Humility is a distinguishing characteristic of his life. He does not act condescendingly toward other individuals, or groups of people.
7. He has a good testimony among those who know him. His boss and co-workers concur that his Christian character is genuine. He does not live a double life. He does not act differently when he is in another circle of friends. His family and relatives attest that the man you know him to be is the same man they know him to be.
When a wife chooses a husband, she is agreeing to come under his leadership for a lifetime. Since there is no way to know the future, the best way to anticipate the kind of husband a man will be is to evaluate what kind of man he is today. This should encourage men to be a “stand up” Christian man, and it should encourage women to never settle for anything less.

Lifetime Commitment
Marriage was designed by God to be a relationship where we make a commitment for a lifetime. When we are making a lifetime commitment, we will invest ourselves more in each other and we will avoid saying and doing things that will cause damage to our relationship. (Read Nurture and Cherish)
Helper
God said “It is not good that man should be alone, I will make him a helper comparable Gen 2:18. Marriage is designed to be a helping relationship where the husband helps his wife and a wife helps her husband. When we are looking for a spouse, we are attracted to a mate who has strengths where we have weaknesses, and weaknesses where we have strengths. By helping one another and by learning to depend on each other, we build a quality marriage.
Making a Life
Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother, and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. Gen 2:23
Choosing a marriage partner, should be done with great care because you will be merging your life with the life of your spouse.
We live in Modesto and there are two rivers, the Stanislaus and the Tuolumne, that flow down from the high Sierra and pass on either side of the city. But an interesting thing happens about half way through my commute every morning. After I leave Modesto I cross the San Joaquin River on my way to Livermore. At a certain point, both the Stanislaus and the Tuolumne Rivers lose their own previous identities and take on a new identity: The San Joaquin. This River has elements and attributes of the Stanislaus and the Tuolumne, but from that point on, it makes its trip to the sea with a new identity.
The day we get married we must change our pronouns.
I becomes we.
My becomes our.
Mine becomes ours.

Please don’t marry anyone with whom you are not willing and ready to merge your money, your reputation, your name and your future.
We are no longer single individuals but a married couple. As single individuals, we put ourselves first in our decision-making. As a married couple we will find the most success and the most joy in marriage when we put our spouse before ourselves.

In-laws
Speaking of leaving father and mother, all your life you have been told to obey your father and mother. When you get married, your relationship with your father and mother changes. When we leave father and mother, they no longer have authority over our life. It is important for the new married couple to understand that by getting married you are creating a new household and a new authority structure. No longer do you give your parents the place of authority over your lives. However, mother and father don’t always get the memo. They sometimes put pressure or expectations on their married adult children such as spending holidays together or expecting financial support.
A word of advice: Love and honor your parents but you should no longer feel any pressure to obey them. Your new marriage has created a new authority structure. Decide with your husband or wife what you want your life together to look like. Then be as gracious as you can, and tell your parents how you have decided to live your life together. Learn to value your extended family and be healthy, active members as you are able. But don’t allow them to manipulate or pressure you with guilt.
Communication
Healthy communication makes a healthy marriage. (See : Communication: The Lifeblood of Marriage).
Money
There are only three things you can do with money: Spend it, Save it and Give it.
Healthy people learn to do all three.
It is important that married couples be in agreement on how you will obtain money and how your collective money will be spent, saved and given. It is the responsibility of both of you to decide together on your plan and to fulfill your part in carrying out your plan. Often in marriage, one or the other of the spouses is more gifted in administration. That spouse will often write the checks and balance the check book. But both spouses must be fully engaged in making the decisions on how the money gets spent. Here is a simple way to accomplish that.
1. Whichever spouse is administratively gifted, make a list of all the things you want/need to do with your money. i.e. rent, electricity, car payment, vacations, savings, spending money, etc.…
2. Both spouses sit down and review the list and the other spouse should add any additional items. Both spouses have an equal say in what goes on the list.
3. Decide together and agree on how much to spend on each item. Give every dollar a mission, even if it is extra money that is going into savings.
4. Now each spouse does what you’ve agreed to do with your money.
5. Make sure you budget a few dollars for each of you to have some pocket money to blow, even if it is only a few dollars per week.
6. If an unexpected financial expense comes up, talk to your spouse and decide together where the money will come from to pay for it.
You now have a budget that both of you agree on, and both of you carry the financial responsibility in your marriage.
Early in your dating relationship, it is important that you discuss your financial practices and philosophy on spending, saving, investing and debt, with your prospective spouse. Later, as your relationship progresses and you are moving closer towards marriage, it is important that you both disclose your complete financial status to your prospective spouse: Income, net worth, debts, taxes, foreclosures and bankruptcies. You wouldn’t want to find out after the wedding that you are now a million dollars in debt and neither would your spouse. Wait until you are married to merge your money.
Conflict/Forgiveness
Nobody’s perfect. That means that even if you are marrying Mr. Right or Miss Right, they will eventually do something wrong, and so will you. That is why learning to forgive is so crucial to a healthy marriage. It is also important to recognize when we are wrong and to apologize to our spouse. Don’t be too proud to admit when you are wrong. We all make mistakes. Sometimes we do something that is inconsiderate or selfish. The sooner we recognize it, and apologize, the healthier our marriage will be. (Read Taking Out the Trash)
Sex
Sex in marriage is one of the greatest benefits of a healthy marriage. Every couple enters into marriage with the expectation that their spouse will fulfill this crucial element of marriage. But many couples fail to discuss sex,  or communicate their expectations to one another before marriage. They simply assume their fiancé will share their ideals.

Engaged couples need to have appropriate, meaningful conversations to make sure they are on the same page. The closer you get to your wedding date, the deeper these conversations should become. Be careful to have these discussions in places that protect you from temptation. Try to find a public place where you can have a private conversation.

When both husband and wife make their first priority to serve each other rather than serving themselves, they will do well.  When considering a prospective spouse, observe how they act in the other areas of your relationship. Are they self absorbed or are they others centered? Do they have integrity or do they fudge on boundaries?  Do they protect you from sexual temptation or do they try every ploy to get you into the sack?  Whatever you are before marriage, will typically be magnified in marriage.

In order to have a thriving sexual relationship in marriage, we need to maintain a healthy relationship in all of the other areas. They are all connected. (Read: The Chapter on Sex)

An important note: If you have any sexually transmitted diseases, it is very important that you disclose them to your fiance before you get married. That way if you spouse becomes infected with them, there will not be any question of unfaithfulness associated with them. If they are incurable, disclose them. If they are curable, get them cured completely before you get married. If there is any chance they will reoccur, disclose them.

Choose your spouse carefully. You are entrusting them to be the only person in the world who will be authorized to meet  your sexual needs.  (Read Whose Body is it Anyway?)
Children
Be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth. Gen 1:28
First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes… you guessed it. Married couples often look forward to raising their own family. So before you marry, it is important to discuss whether or not you plan to have children, generally how many you plan to have and to have a general agreement on how they will be raised. Husbands and wives often come from families who differ in their approach to raising children. Don’t assume your spouse knows or agrees with your philosophy. Talk about it together in depth. Read books, study, take classes and learn to be an excellent parent.
Blended Families
Yours, Mine and Ours.
Almost half of the marriages today result in blended families. That means that each spouse brings children with them into the marriage. Then sometimes, to complicate matters, the couple has a child together. If you’re not careful, your natural parental instincts will lead you to show favoritism to your children that are related to you by blood. A married couple must make a herculean effort to never let this happen. It is important that couples view all of their children as OUR children and to love them and carry the responsibility of raising them together. Children will often exploit the fact of their blended family to “divide and conquer”. Husband and wife must always maintain a united front and raise all of their children equally as OUR children. The children may not acknowledge or fully understand this concept, but it is crucial to their wellbeing and the health of your marriage.
Religion
This last item really should be first. Statistically marriages have a substantially higher rate of success when a couple agrees upon these four major areas of life: Money, Children, In-laws and Religion.
The bible says: Can two walk together, unless they are agreed? Amos 3:3 and of course the answer is No, not very far, and not for very long. Marriage is a lifetime commitment. If you marry someone with a different religion, they will have a different value system. That means with each passing day, you are bound to grow farther apart rather that growing closer together. If you marry someone with the same value system, you are much more likely to grow closer and closer together in a relationship that will last a lifetime. This is such an important subject that the bible tells Christians: Do not be unequally yoked together with unbelievers. For what fellowship has righteousness with lawlessness? And what communion has light with darkness? 2 Corinthians 6:14

Conclusion
Choosing a spouse is one of the most important decisions you will make in your entire life. Time spent preparing for your marriage is some of the most worthwhile use of your time. Do not hurry through this important preparation. Be prayerful and careful. Is it easy to discuss each of these topics? Do you find that you and your future spouse generally agree on most all of them? If your answer is yes, then you can proceed with confidence as you prepare for your marriage and as you make a life together.