About John Paladini

John Paladini is a husband, pastor and author. He has been happily married to Andrena for over 40 years. They have three adult children and six grandchildren. John has devoted hundreds of hours to marriage counseling, conferences and bible studies that strengthen marriages.

The Most Important 20 Minutes

Posted on March 9, 2013 by John Paladini

We woke up early this morning to a beautiful crisp March day. Both of our To-Do lists are a mile long with all those things that have to be done on our “day off”. There never seems to be enough time during the week to tackle those bigger projects. My list would have me outside tending to the long-neglected yard and Andee’s list includes catching up on a pile of paperwork. Although today is Saturday, and we will actually be in the same zip code, our projects will have us geographically thirty yards apart. Having a Saturday to do our own thing is good, unless we neglect connecting with each other. It is so easy to let a whole work week pass, only to realize we haven’t had a meaningful conversation all week. We’ve had this happen in the past and we don’t ever want it to happen again. Saying “Hello” and “Good-bye” and talking about our schedules as we come and go is not enough to sustain a healthy marriage. We can’t allow the calendar page to flip, only to realize we haven’t talked about the things that are really important.
There is a place just to the right of our kitchen sink where the flooring really should be worn out. I don’t know why it isn’t. It is a favorite place of mine. True, it’s where the coffee pot is located but that’s not the reason. That spot is the place I stand and lean against the counter when I come home from work at night. Andee is usually busy preparing a meal. As soon as I come home, I put away my jacket and computer and go stand in my favorite spot. That is the place I learn about my wife. She tells me about the victories and blessings of her day. She also tells me about the struggles, technology problems and family news. I even get a little update on her Facebook friends. Sometimes I leave my sacred spot to take care of a “quick fix” that has been concerning her all day, if it takes less than a minute. Then I hurry back. I don’t want to miss anything. Conveniently the plates and silverware are right behind me so I can set the table while she puts the finishing touches on dinner.
Through all the years of raising a family, the first twenty minutes I’m home we’ve spent together. Now that our children are grown, and on their own, we still do this. It helps us feel connected. Gone are the days of homework and diapers, but they have been replaced with meetings, projects and other commitments.
The bible tells us to redeem the time because the days are evil. (Eph 5:16). Every day will provide enough challenges to keep us too busy for each other…if we let them. But instead, let’s build healthy habits of staying current with our spouse. Then when our projects have us working in different locations, we will still feel “together”. That is much better than being together and feeling all alone.

Yes & No

Posted on March 2, 2013 by John Paladini

“Yes” is a very good word. It is a happy word; one we love to hear from just about everyone. “Yes, you passed the class.” “Yes, you can have a pay raise.” “Will you marry me?” “YES!!”
It brings a smile to our face and causes our eyes to light up.
“No”, on the other hand, is not so nice. “No, you may not have another piece of pie.” “No, we gave the job to another applicant.” “No honey, not tonight.” “No” is a word we never want to hear. Sometimes people say “no” to good things. But what about God?
God says “Yes” to character qualities that produce good relationships, and “No” to those that are bad . His judgment is not based on our momentary pleasure, but on the eternal perspective.

God says:
Yes to Servanthood & No to Selfishness
Yes to Tenderheartedness & No to Hardheartedness
Yes to Forgiveness & No to Bitterness
Yes to Giving & No to Taking
Yes to Openness & No to Hiding
Yes to Diligence & No to Laziness
Yes to Thankfulness & No to Complaining
Yes to Contentment & No to Grasping
Yes to Holiness & No to Sinfulness
Yes to Honesty & No to Lies
Yes to Love & No to Hate

What qualities do you find attractive in your spouse? The “Yes”, or the “No” column?
What kind of spouse are you? God wants us to say “Yes” to the things He says “Yes” to. But more than saying it, He wants these qualities to be the substance of our life.

Love Handles at DEFCON 5

Posted on February 16, 2013 by John Paladini

In the interest of Homeland Security, the Joint Chiefs of Staff of the United States Armed Forces has developed the DEFCON System. It prescribes five graduated levels of alert and combat-readiness ranging from DEFCON 5, which is the least severe, to DEFCON 1, which is the most severe.

How long has it been since you and your spouse dated? In the early days we worked very hard to put our best foot forward. We groomed ourselves meticulously, and we kept our bodies trim so we would be attractive to our spouse. We engaged them in conversation to get to know them better. We listened carefully to discover the things they liked and disliked, and then we’d surprise them with something special to win their heart.

I noticed an interesting phenomenon a few months after we got married. My shirts didn’t fit as well as they had before, and my belt was getting a bit tight. People would say “It looks like marriage has been good to you.” They were referring to those bulges just above the waist that are playfully called “Love handles”. (They are a kissing cousin to the “Freshman Fifteen”.) They’re an obvious indication that we have relaxed and settled into married life. Since we are no longer pursuing our spouse, we slack off from the attentiveness we once employed to be our best for them.

I noticed this tendency in myself. When Andee would speak to me, I would hear her talking but I was not always listening to what she said. I would give her about ten percent of my attention and the rest to the TV program or the article I was reading. Then it would suddenly get very quiet. I have never experienced a nuclear explosion, but I can imagine that one minute before it detonates, everything seems very normal. I say that in jest because Andee is not the type who explodes. She is even more dangerous. If I stop listening, she’ll simply stop talking to me until I am ready to listen. But what if I am never ready? What if I develop a habit of “tuning her out” whenever she speaks? God said It is not good for man to be alone. Well, right about that time I began to feel very alone; and it was my own neglect that got me there.

James 1:19 says: So then, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath…

“Love handles” is a great name for a growing waistline. But in my mind, love handles are up a little higher. I know I can be dense. I also know that I can get preoccupied with my own thoughts and plans. It is never in my heart to exclude my wife. But the truth of the matter is that I can be unattentive to her and I never want to be. So I have resolved that whenever she is speaking to me, I try to stop what I’m doing and give her my full attention. I try to look her in the eyes and turn my body toward her. If I’m in the middle of a project that can’t be stopped, I tell her, “Give me 3 minutes to finish this, then I’m all yours.” But what about those times that I’m preoccupied and I don’t “get it”? Is there a remedy for that? Yes, that is where Love Handles come in. True Love Handles are those two little flaps of fabric just under either side of my jaw. Sometimes they are referred to as a collar. I know the importance of communication, and I know that I am not always as attentive as I want to be. So early on in our marriage I told my wife, If you’re ever trying to communicate something to me and I’m just not “getting it”…grab me by the collar until my face is about 2 inches from your face and say: THIS IS IMPORTANT! Then I guarantee I’ll “get it”.

If there is a war brewing in my own home, I don’t want to be that last to know. And I certainly don’t want it to escalate to DEFCON 1, nuclear war, especially if it is due to my neglect or inattentiveness.

There are two parts to communication. One speaks; the other listens. Then the other speaks and the one listens. Communication has not occurred until the message is received and understood.

The Amplified bible says it this way: Let every man be quick to be a ready listener, slow to speak and slow to take offense. James 1: 19

That’s good counsel for marriage.

Listen well…and you’ll love being married.

A Loaf, a Jug, and Thou

Posted on February 2, 2013 by John Paladini

Andee and I recently got away for our anniversary and we got one of those rooms with a spa in the room for a romantic getaway. We stopped at Safeway to pick up some beverages and some bread and cheese and snacks and things to bring to our room. We also have little picnic basket with a coffee maker we take so we can enjoy some GOOD coffee in the morning. It makes for a very relaxing time and we don’t need to leave our room unless we want to. Well, the second day we went back to the store to buy another baguette and a bottle of spring water because the city water made the coffee taste funny. So as we were walking down the aisle of the grocery store, we were laughing and enjoying our time together and Andee said, “How romantic… a loaf, a jug and thou.”
Many couples long for the Good ol’ Days when their relationship was filled with romance. They remember the early years when they shared their dreams for the future. Well here we are in the future, and the families we dreamed about require a lot of our time and energy. Every couple needs occasional islands of “together time” away from the kids and the pressures of everyday life. We all need a get-away every now and then. But even if your “overnighters” are few and far between, plan an afternoon together or even a walk around the block to catch up with each other. This is valuable time to share and evaluate and reiterate that you’re in this together.
So there we were, with our loaf and jug, heading toward the check-out stand; smiling, holding hands and feeling very much in love. But when our turn came and the clerk began to ring up our purchases she looked at us, then she looked at our two items and remarked, “How pathetic! Bread and water!”
At that point I realized that perspective makes all the difference!
Some see the cup as half empty. Others see the cup as half full. The Lord wants us to see our marriage like this: My cup runneth over! (Psalm 23:5)
Some couples settle for a marriage that is the equivalent of bread and water, (you know, enough to keep you alive but make you wish you were dead). How many couples would have a more awesome marriage if we would only adjust our perspective? And stop struggling and start snuggling!

Carly Simon wrote in a song: “These are the Good ol’ Days!” Hebrews 3:13 tells us to exhort and encourage one another not to be fooled into ignoring the Lord or to putting off until tomorrow the things we should do today. Do yourself a favor and redeem the time. Make this the year that you invest in your relationship with your spouse. In fact, don’t let today slip away without affirming your love for one another. And go ahead and plan that romantic get-away. You’ll be glad you did.

49 Lessons from Football

Posted on January 26, 2013 by John Paladini

If you know a little bit about football, you can learn a few lessons about having a winning season in your marriage. Here are a few things I’ve learned:
1. Make a plan and practice, practice, practice.
2. Pray before you set foot on the field.
3. The clock is ticking and time is limited. Use it wisely.
4. The opposition is over there. You don’t tackle your own team mate.
5. Huddle. Put your arms around each other. Use mouthwash.
6. Everybody fumbles once in a while.
7. God is your head coach. He calls the plays. Trust him.
8. Don’t be offensive.
9. Don’t get defensive.
10. Always use your mouth guard. It is mandatory.
11. Unnecessary roughness will get you a penalty.
12. Keep your end in view.
13. Kiss the arm…the shoulder…the neck… the lips.
14. Let the Holy Spirit referee.
15. Use your right guard.
16. A little dancing when you reach your goal is appropriate.
17. Sack the quarterback.
18. A little pat of affirmation on the bottom is usually welcomed.
19. Don’t be down and out.
20. If you go out of bounds, everything stops and you have to start over.
21. Celebrate your teammate’s victories.
22. When your goal seems far away, just try to move forward ten yards.
23. Each team member must do their part for the team to win.
24. Football has very little to do with applying your foot to the ball. Don’t try to figure it out.
25. Hand the ball to your teammate then clear a path for them to score.
26. Teammates get tired.
27. Don’t run the wrong way. Don’t run aimlessly. Do your best to make forward progress.
28. Play fair.
29. Make sure the whole team is working the same plan.
30. Paint JOHN 3:16 on your chest.
31. Practice to get better and better at doing your part.
32. Make Sunday the most important day of the week.
33. No head-butting.
34. Make a pass at your spouse regularly.
35. When your spouse makes a pass at you, catch it. Don’t drop it.
36. Avoid pass interference. Lock your bedroom door and turn off the phone.
37. Always be ready to call an audible. Be flexible, plans change.
38. Don’t become a blimp. Stay healthy and help your Bud stay Lite.
39. Do your part to make this a Good Year.
40. You make enough money. Don’t complain.
41. When a teammate is injured, the rest of the team needs to work a little harder.
42. Timing is everything.
43. If you help your teammate win, you win.
44. When making a plan, use a lot of X’s and O’s.
45. Be a World Class Cheerleader.
46. Call a time out when you need to.
47. If another team makes a play look easy, understand it is the result of hours of practice.
48. You’re surrounded by fans who want to see you win!
49. You already have a ring. Enjoy the game!

Those are the lessons I’ve learned. Let’s see if we can come up with a few more. If you have any that you’d like to add, click the comment bubble and share them. I’ll post them.

Nurture and Cherish

Posted on January 25, 2013 by John Paladini

I’ve never seen more nurturing and cherishing than at a car show. No speck of dust is safe. No smudge of grease will escape the watchful eye of the automobile enthusiast. He is meticulous to take care of his “baby.” After all, “they don’t make ‘em like this anymore”. She’s all original, he says proudly, as others admire her with a hint of envy. No expense has been spared, and countless hours have been spent to make her the coveted award winner. She’s the Prize of the show.

Imagine if one car had to last us a life time. How would we care for it? We certainly wouldn’t drive it recklessly. No, we’d nurture and cherish it. We’d wash it every week and wax it once a month. We’d change the oil every 3,000 miles and give it a tune up regularly to keep it in good repair. We’d be easy on the throttle and light on the brakes. When parking in a public lot, we’d take up two spaces so others wouldn’t ding her doors. At home we’d garage her to protect her from the ultraviolet rays of the sun. We’d cruise Main Street to impress people, and show her off in parades. After fifty years the sleek beauty would still purr like a kitten and look like the day she drove off the showroom floor.

What if we cared for our spouse as if they had to last a lifetime? Because…they do.

So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies… For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the church. Ephesians 5:28 & 29

Imagine

Posted on January 25, 2013 by John Paladini

Imagine for a moment that you are married to your best friend. You share the same dreams and the same goals. You work together as a team, a seamless partnership, hand in glove. You communicate easily with each other. And you can talk about anything. In fact you talk about everything without fear or apprehension. The tone of your conversation is gracious and truthful. Your mate treats you like you’re special. They drop what they are doing when you need help and they assist you gladly. They would always rather spend time with you than anyone else. They think about you often. They call or email during the day just to let you know they are thinking about you. You look forward to going home and being together at the end of the work day. They call to let you know what time to expect them.

When you walk through the front door they greet you with a smile that says they are glad to be together again. They drop unimportant things, or quickly complete important things, so they can devote their full attention to you. They’re genuinely interested in the events of your day. They listen to you and encourage you. They have been praying for you since you parted early in the morning. They prepare a meal, or compliment the dinner you’ve been preparing. Or they invite you to eat out and ask your choice of restaurant. If you have children they inquire about progress, or update you on the challenges and victories in the children’s lives. You work together to do dishes and homework and any other tasks, so you can both enjoy the rest of the evening. You engage in meaningful conversation and create times of momentary refuge from phones, computers, and TV. You make it a priority that you both go to bed at the same time so you can have a few moments of pillow talk and prayer. When you reach out to hold your mate, they are attentive and move closer to you. They welcome intimacy and together you enjoy the experience of oneness. You fall asleep in each other’s arms.

Right about now I hope you’re saying to your spouse, “Look Honey, he’s talking about us!” I hope I have given a candid description of your marriage. And as you read these lines, you feel the affirmation of a life well lived and a job well done. I hope you derive a high level of satisfaction from the quality of character that your relationship reflects. And you recognize the work of God in your life and in your marriage. And I hope it challenges you, more and more, to be an excellent marriage partner.

The Marriage Feast is dedicated to encouraging and strengthening marriages.We hope you benefit from these pages.

Report Card

Posted on January 19, 2013 by John Paladini

Growing up, report card time was never my favorite. I figured playing was a lot more fun than homework. Consequently I was only an average student, and I adopted an attitude that C’s were OK and A’s were for other people. Most people grow up and get married. I got married and then I had to grow up. The bible says: When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child; but when I became a man, I put away childish things. (1 Cor 13:11)

I decided I didn’t want to settle for a C in marriage: Comparing, Competing, Complaining, Criticizing, Compromising, which result in Carnality, Contention, Controlling, and Contempt which leads to Condemnation. Many couples resign themselves to having a C marriage with a D in Bible: Drifting (Heb 2:1), Doubting (Heb 3:7-8), Ducking (Heb 3:13) Dullness (Heb 5:11), Despising (Heb 10:26-29), and Defying God’s word. (Heb 12:14-29).

But I want to encourage us to be diligent to get an A in bible. Because the same way we need to be good at math to do well in physics; we need to know and apply the scriptures in order to get an A in marriage. We‘ll learn to Accept our spouse (Eph 1:6) as they are and help them to be the person they want to be in the Lord. We will Acknowledge (Isa 61:8-10) their Attributes (1 Cor 12:4-11) and the unique way God made them. Adore them. Express our Approval and Affirm them (Phil 1:10). Admire our spouse and tell them why. Express Affection regularly and meaningfully to them (1 Cor 7:3). And Appreciate them for who they are, as well as what they do.

Do you remember your favorite teacher in school? They had a special way of teaching. They didn’t “talk down” to you, but they whet your appetite so you wanted to learn. Maybe you’re a little farther along in your walk with the Lord than your spouse. You can help them raise that C to and A, but you must be an A student first. Be prayerful and careful. Remember, Knowledge puffs up, but love edifies (1 Cor 8:1). There is a saying: “Don’t tell me, show me”. Paul told Timothy: Be an example of the believer (1 Tim 4:12). That’s good advice for a marriage that makes the grade.

Winning the Lottery

Posted on January 12, 2013 by John Paladini

Everyone has dreams of winning the lottery. But why? So we can quit our job and sleep in? So we can play golf all day or play video games in our pajamas? We have dreams of eating the foods we like to eat, wearing the clothes we like. Heck, we wouldn’t even have to wear clothes if we didn’t want to. Some of us even try to make deals with God by offering Him 10% if he’ll make all the arrangements. James says we ask, but we ask amiss that we may consume it on our own pleasures. James 4:3

Imaging hearing a knock at your door and receiving the news that a distant relative has died and left you a hundred million dollars. The only stipulation written in his will for you to keep all that money, is that you must remain happily married to your mate. Pretending to be happy will not be allowed. You must actually maintain a good quality marriage, the kind that when you leave for work each morning, you can’t wait to get home to your spouse. You have so much to talk about. You have plans to make. You have goals and dreams to share and fulfill. You have people to help, and projects to do together. Wouldn’t you make it the priority of your life to nurture your marriage? Wouldn’t you pay attention, study, practice, and do everything possible, if keeping your fortune depended on it?

Well, a rich relative has died and His will is for you to be rich. The apostle Peter tells us that we are heirs together of the grace of life. 1 Peter 3:7 And the way to make sure we get to keep those riches is we must grow to understand our spouse. And through that understanding we can serve them better, and be the right kind of encouragement to them.

At this point some husbands throw up their hands and say “I’ll never understand why my wife is the way she is.” And that may be true. But God wants us to take the time, and spend the energy to understand how different things affect our spouse, and then to use that understanding to help each other through life. This is one of the true riches of marriage.

Is She Hot?

Posted on December 29, 2012 by John Paladini

A young man came to my office to ask about weddings. He was in a big hurry to get married. He began telling me about the woman of his dreams whom he had recently met, and asked if I would officiate their wedding. First I congratulated him. Then I asked him a question. In fact, I asked him the most important question when choosing a bride: Is she HOT? I know it sounds carnal. We all know that beauty is only skin deep, but I had to know, because the answer to this question would affect the rest of his life.

Adam lived in a perfect world; the environment was perfect and the climate was perfect. The food was delicious and his work was interesting and challenging. He had a perfect relationship with God. The Garden of Eden was paradise. What more could a man want? HD TV? No. Adam needed someone to share it with. If you’ve ever seen a beautiful sunset, and wished that someone was there to share it with you, then you know what I’m talking about. Thankfully God was not finished with his creation.

And the LORD God said, “It is not good that man should be alone; I will make him a helper comparable to him.” (Gen 2:18) Can you imagine Adam praying PLEASE God, make her pretty. Because we all know how important it is that we marry someone who is attractive to us. Our first indication that Eve was HOT was when God saw everything He had made, and indeed it was very good. (Gen 1:31)

We also know that she was HOT because there is something in the way Adam uses the word “now”. It is as if there should have been and exclamation point after the word “now” – as if to say FINALLY!

Adam did his best to find vocabulary to express his feelings (typical man). He said:

“This is now bone of my bones” – She’s got bones that match my bones.

“And flesh of my flesh” – She has beautiful flesh. (I want to touch her. I want to hold her. I want to love her.) (Gen. 2:23)

She’s not like all the others. She’s a perfect match for me. We’re a matched pair. She’s my mate! A perfect fit!

Do you remember the day you first laid eyes on your mate? The first conversation you had? Sometimes it’s love at first sight. Sometimes it’s a slow revelation. Your thoughts progress from “Could this be the one?” to “This could be the one!” to “I think I may be falling in love.” to “WO-MAN! I AM in love!!!” The defining moment is exciting and scary and wonderful and perplexing all at the same time.

There is term that gold miners use: “He’s married the vein.” That’s when a prospector is no longer objectively evaluating the minerals to discover whether or not there is gold in the vein. He has crossed a threshold where now every mineral he finds, he interprets as proof of the presence of gold.

But being physically attracted is not the only important criteria for choosing a mate. You sometimes see announcements in the newspaper of couples celebrating 50 years of marriage, and they are often accompanied by a current photograph next to their wedding picture. Fifty years later, none of us will look the same. The apostle Peter emphasizes that it is the person you are inside that is important.

Wives…Do not let your adornment be merely outward—arranging the hair, wearing gold, or putting on fine apparel— rather let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the incorruptible beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is very precious in the sight of God. (1 Peter 3:3-4)

Guys, the Lord wants you to have a HOT wife. But when choosing a wife, He wants you to put a premium on finding a wife that is HOT for the things of the Lord.

Look for a wife that loves Jesus more than she loves you. One who is passionate to live for Him even if you don’t hold up your end of the bargain. Then, if and when you fail, she will look to the Lord for direction as to how to respond to you. Don’t settle for a wife that is physically hot, but lukewarm towards the things of the Lord. Ladies, the same goes for you when choosing a husband.

Jesus said to the church of Laodicea, “I know your works, that you are neither cold nor hot. I could wish you were cold or hot. So then, because you are lukewarm, and neither cold nor hot I will vomit you out of My mouth. Rev 3:15-1

I don’t recommend that you write this verse on an anniversary card, but I do recommend writing the exhortation on the tablet of your heart to get hot and stay HOT for the things of the Lord. It will make you attractive when you’re young, and will keep you attractive until you celebrate fifty years together and beyond.

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