About John Paladini

John Paladini is a husband, pastor and author. He has been happily married to Andrena for over 40 years. They have three adult children and six grandchildren. John has devoted hundreds of hours to marriage counseling, conferences and bible studies that strengthen marriages.

Any More Money, Honey?

Posted on April 5, 2014 by John Paladini

It is a well-documented statistic that the biggest cause of divorce in North America today is money fights and money problems. No surprise that our consumer mentality as Americans spills over into our marriages. The trend toward two-earner households over the past several decades has only served to divide what ought to be united. Couples use terms like “my money” and “your money” and develop self-centered plans to spend it. Many couples engage in protracted power struggles over their resources that result in debt, hurt feelings and empty bank accounts. Sometime one or both spouses engage in “retail therapy” as they try to “medicate” their unhappiness or to satisfy a longing in their heart that “Stuff” will never fill. Jesus spoke of the desire for more like this: “Take heed and beware of covetousness, for one’s life does not consist in the abundance of the things he possesses.” Luke 12: 15 In other words, more stuff isn’t the answer. What we crave is unity: oneness with our God and oneness with our spouse.
Successful married couples view their income as “our money” as they share their goals and dreams and the future together.
So let’s start with the basics: Where does money come from? They say there are two things everyone should teach their children. Where babies come from and where money comes from. The answer is: Money comes from work. “Work is a sure-fire money-making scheme,” according to money guru Dave Ramsey. Early on in marriage, couples need to decide who is going to go out to work. It is OK to decide that both husband and wife will work, especially while getting started and establishing a home. Throughout your marriage this decision can be re-evaluated as children are born, go off to school, and as they leave the nest. During different seasons of life, you may decide that one spouse should stay home to devote their time and energy to raising your children. That will be their work for the next X number of years. The most important thing is that the couple makes these decisions together
Then next thing we want to understand is that there are three things we should do with our money. A healthy balanced life includes all three: Saving, Spending and Giving. When couples agree upon how their money will be saved, spent and given, they agree upon their core values. They say you can look at a person’s check book and learn what is important to them. Jesus said: where your treasure is, there your heart will be also Luke 12:34.
The Dreaded B Word
If you’re feeling hopeless, like you can’t get a handle on your money it is probably because you’re disorganized. When we want to solve complex situations it is very helpful to write them down instead of just letting them swirl around in our mind. Plus, since our spouse isn’t a mind reader, a BUDGET will help us put all the facts on the table and agree on a plan we can work on together. If you want help establishing a budget, and a sound financial plan for your life and marriage, I highly recommend you sign up to take Financial Peace University together. Thousands of couples have attended with the intent to fix their finances, only to experience the added bonus of gaining valuable communication skills, which revolutionized every other aspect of their marriage. I’d say that’s worth the price of admission. Wouldn’t you?

Whose Body is it Anyway?

Posted on February 17, 2014 by John Paladini

Whose body is it, anyway? Yours of course….until you pledge it to somebody else. Then everything changes.
The Old English vows say that on our wedding day we “enter into a new estate”. That’s why I always spend extra time with couples in pre-marriage counseling to make sure they fully understand what they are signing up for. Think about it. When we are choosing our marriage partner, we are evaluating how trustworthy they will be to fulfill their role as our – one and only – husband or wife. One very important role in marriage is that of lover. When we stand at the altar and pledge our self to our spouse, we are entrusting one person in the whole world to fulfill that role. For those who are married, consider this: You are the only person in the whole world who is authorized to fulfill your spouse’s sexual needs. And not only that; but you are commanded to do so. I know that sounds a little silly. About half of us are thinking: “God commanded us to have sex, so I’m suddenly really into obeying God.” The other half of us…not so much.
Typical pre-marriage couples are eager to get married, and blissfully optimistic. They envision marriage as having sex every day, multiple times, for as long as they both shall live. But life and our sin nature has a way of throwing a monkey wrench into those plans (Read Take Out the Trash).
So let’s look at what the bible says about sex in marriage:
I Corinthians 7: 3-5 says: Let the husband render to his wife the affection due her, and likewise also the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. And likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Do not deprive one another except with consent for a time, that you may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again so that Satan does not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.
Wow! There’s a lot here, but let’s look at the main points. When we pledged our self to our spouse, we not only pledged our life, but our body as well. This is a sacred trust that husbands and wives must guard with the utmost care. But practically, it also means the when our spouse is “in the mood” for sexual relations, we should respond willingly and reciprocate. If we are unavailable for sexual intercourse due to illness or some other reason, we should communicate with our spouse, affirm our love for them, and make a date in the near future to take them up on the offer.
It is a rare exception when the bible says it is OK to “deprive” our spouse of sexual relations. But God gives very specific instructions because He wants it to be rare, and He wants it to resolve quickly. God knows that whenever sin interrupts our sexual relationship, the enemy tries to exploit it, and tempt us towards the greater sin of infidelity. That’s why God says only “with consent” and only “for a [specific agreed upon] time” and with action steps: that you may give yourselves to fasting and prayer.

So let me ask you a question: How long can you fast? That’s about how long is healthy to abstain from sexual relations with your spouse. God’s ideal is speedy resolution of any problem that comes between husband and wife, and full and complete restoration of the relationship.
Before anyone panics, this is not carte blanche for selfish spouses to abuse. There are a few exceptions, but they are few and they are exceptions. We need to let God be the referee in those cases. Because our spouse is not the only one we have pledged our life to. When we pledge our life to Christ, we surrender lordship of our life to Him. The bible says: your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God, and you are not your own. 1 Cor 6:19
All of life is better when we give God the final word.
To maintain a satisfying sexual relationship, husbands and wives will pay particular attention and make it their goal to “render affection” that is meaningful and fulfilling to their spouse. Your spouse’s idea of affection will often be different than yours. If both husband and wife make their first priority to serve each other, rather than serving themselves, they will do well. Make it your goal to always be an eager participant in sexual relations with your spouse. Learn to communicate with each other about your sexual relationship in order to keep it healthy. Don’t expect your spouse to automatically be an expert. Be patient with one another and help each other become a great lover (read The Chapter on Sex). As we learn and grow together, we will discover the joys and blessings of true oneness with our spouse.

What Football Taught Me About Marriage

Posted on January 18, 2014 by John Paladini

If you know a little bit about football, you can learn a few lessons about having a winning season in your marriage. Here are 49 things I’ve learned:
1. Make a plan and practice, practice, practice.
2. Pray before you set foot on the field.
3. The clock is ticking and time is limited. Use it wisely.
4. The opposition is over there. You don’t tackle your own team mate.
5. Huddle. Put your arms around each other. Use mouthwash.
6. Everybody fumbles once in a while.
7. God is your head coach. He calls the plays. Trust him.
8. Don’t be offensive.
9. Don’t get defensive.
10. Always use your mouth guard. It is mandatory.
11. Unnecessary roughness will get you a penalty.
12. Keep your end in view.
13. Kiss the arm…the shoulder…the neck… the lips.
14. Let the Holy Spirit referee.
15. Use your right guard.
16. A little dancing when you reach your goal is appropriate.
17. Sack the quarterback.
18. A little pat of affirmation on the bottom is usually welcomed.
19. Don’t be down and out.
20. If you go out of bounds, everything stops and you have to start over.
21. Celebrate your teammate’s victories.
22. When your goal seems far away, just try to move forward ten yards.
23. Each team member must do their part for the team to win.
24. Football has very little to do with applying your foot to the ball. Don’t try to figure it out.
25. Hand the ball to your teammate then clear a path for them to score.
26. Teammates get tired.
27. Don’t run the wrong way. Don’t run aimlessly. Do your best to make forward progress.
28. Play fair.
29. Make sure the whole team is working the same plan.
30. Paint JOHN 3:16 on your chest.
31. Practice to get better and better at doing your part.
32. Make Sunday the most important day of the week.
33. No head-butting.
34. Make a pass at your spouse regularly.
35. When your spouse makes a pass at you, catch it. Don’t drop it.
36. Avoid pass interference. Lock your bedroom door and turn off the phone.
37. Always be ready to call an audible. Be flexible, plans change.
38. Don’t become a blimp. Stay healthy and help your Bud stay Lite.
39. Do your part to make this a Good Year.
40. You make enough money. Don’t complain.
41. When a teammate is injured, the rest of the team needs to work a little harder.
42. Timing is everything.
43. If you help your teammate win, you win.
44. When making a plan, use a lot of X’s and O’s.
45. Be a World Class Cheerleader.
46. Call a time out when you need to.
47. If another team makes a play look easy, understand it is the result of hours of practice.
48. You’re surrounded by fans who want to see you win!
49. You already have a ring. Enjoy the game!

Those are the lessons I’ve learned. Let’s see if we can come up with a few more. If you have any that you’d like to add, click the comment bubble and share them. I’ll post them. Patriot Fans

Selfie

Posted on January 11, 2014 by John Paladini

This has certainly been the year of the selfie. It’s a picture of my favorite person…ME! You know, the photos we take of ourselves and post on Facebook as if the rest of the world is as obsessed with me as I am? The self-portraits have become so prevalent that “selfie” will soon be inducted into Webster’s Dictionary and into the English language. It has to be the word of the year.
And who ever heard of a camera that spins around and takes a picture of the photographer? No one, until Apple built it into its iPhone, and all the other phone manufacturers are scrambling to do the same.
We live in a culture obsessed with self. The market is flooded with self-improvement books, there is a big push for self-esteem and self-love through positive self-talk, then there’s Self Magazine which promotes self-absorption, and self-actualization through self-gratification. Then we go on a campaign of self-defense and self-justification through our self-published memoirs. Are you beginning to detect a pattern here?
People in general are selfish and self-centered. But our natural narcissism is an enemy of our marriage. In fact, it’s akin to original sin. We can’t lose any time redirecting our affections if we want to have a healthy marriage. James warns: For where envy and self-seeking exist, confusion and every evil thing are there. (James 3:16) These are not words we want associated with our marriage.
The apostle Paul has a better way: Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself. (Phil 2:3)
I know. The first thing we think is: “Hey, what about me? (I told you we are self-absorbed.) The man in my mirror doesn’t want to take second place to anyone. He likes to look out for Numero Uno! Paul follows it up with the next verse: Let each of you look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others. (Phil 2:4)
When we put the most important “other”- our spouse – first, it’s the very best investment we can make to assure that our own life will be awesome. Paul said it another way in Ephesians 5:28 So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself. If you want to do yourself a favor, love your spouse well.
This doesn’t mean that I never get my needs met. What it means is that I don’t get my needs met by taking or insisting. Instead my needs are met, as a response, from a well-loved and well-satisfied wife.
When we do marriage right we don’t have to pursue what we need, and extract it from our relationship. But rather, when we put our energy into serving and loving our spouse, we will reap the dividends as they respond. This way, both our needs are met, willingly and lovingly by each other. And we will both feel very well loved. I like this plan so much better.

Christmas Companion

Posted on December 23, 2013 by John Paladini

We hardly saw each other all day long, but we were together. It was the Saturday before Christmas, and our house was about to become the converging point for sixteen family members – most of them from out of town. Just the previous day we had hit all the stores for last minute items. We successfully filled a shopping cart with enough food to feed an army and test the shocks on our Toyota. Today’s lists were different. Today I had yards to clean, windows to wash, tile to scrub and furniture to haul to the garage. Andee’s list consisted of food to cook, cards to write, bedding to prepare, and a refrigerator to clean and organize. Today was not one of those days a couple walks hand in hand on a beach. But our hands were busy. Today we went our separate ways to accomplish our shared goal. Some days we work together on the same project in the same location. In fact sometimes quarters are so close we call it “small-room dancing”. But other days require us to be in separate locations. This was one of those days.

The bible says: Two are better than one because they have a good reward for their labor. Ecc. 4:9
There is nothing greater than working together with our spouse to accomplish a goal. Conversely there is nothing more disheartening than feeling like you are the only one doing all the work. There is no job too daunting, and no task too large, when we know our spouse cares as much as we do; and is moving heaven and earth to help accomplish it.
As we checked things off our list, we’d offer quick updates as we headed for our next project. “I’m done with the tile and I’m off to work on the yard.”

Today our house is ready for company to arrive. But even more, we are ready to host them, because we’ve been “together” throughout the process.

Pruning Your Family Tree

Posted on December 16, 2013 by John Paladini

We all had a very different experience growing up. Some of us grew up in families like Leave it to Beaver or Ozzie and Harriet. We came from “functional” homes with a mom and a dad and 2.4 kids. Others….not so much. Because the divorce rate has skyrocketed since the 1960’s, many of today’s adults come from “broken” homes or “blended” families.
There is no denying that we are all a product of our upbringing. There are definitely things that we inherit from our parents like red hair or male pattern baldness. But there are other things we pick up from them that are not inherited, but are learned traits.
Before I go any farther, most people want to blame their parents; I want to commend mine. I still have my “original” mom and dad who are going on 59 years of marriage. They raised 5 kids, lived modestly in a middle class neighborhood, drove Chevys, took us to church on Sundays, and family dinner was served at 6:00 pm every night. I don’t take my upbringing for granted. Quite the contrary, I consider it a stewardship. My parents weren’t perfect people. Nobody is. But they provided a stable home where we knew we were loved and supported. That is something all of us can, and should, do.
The apostle Paul told Timothy: Be an example to the believer, in word, in conduct, in spirit, in faith, in purity. 1 Tim 4:12
We’ve all heard the saying: Do as I say, not as I do. Some of us have even said it to our children because we know that we are not living up to our ideal. I discovered in raising my children, that they emulate what I do more than what I say. When my grandson Nathan was about 6 months old, his dad confided in me that there were a couple of words that had crept into his vocabulary that he would no longer be using. Suddenly we realize our children are little sponges, and even more startling, we discover that they are like little parrots. The truth is, more is caught than taught. Our children are learning how to be a husband and how to be a wife as they watch mom and dad interact with each other. Our little girls will look for a husband just like their daddy and our sons will look for wives like mom. So as our daughters and sons grow up it is important that we give them a living example of the kind of husband or wife they should look for. If we are a self-absorbed spouse, our children are likely to marry spouses just like us.
You may be thinking “But I didn’t have a good example growing up. I came from a dysfunctional family”. If your experience growing up was less than ideal, all is not lost. You can prune your family tree. The first thing we need to understand is that although we are products of our past, our past does not dictate our future. If you came from a family with a long line of failed marriages, you can stop the cycle.

Grafting

Begin to prune away any destructive habits, and replace them by grafting in healthy interaction with your spouse.

The bible says it is God who works in you both to will and to do for His good pleasure. Phil 2:13. That means God will not only give us the power to change but He’ll give us the will to do it.

Luis Brendes said “Most of the things worth doing in the world had been declared impossible before they were done.” I’m sure the Wright brothers encountered a fair number of skeptics until their airplane actually flew. But it did fly.
“I am the true vine, and My Father is the vinedresser. Every branch in Me that does not bear fruit He takes away; and every branch that bears fruit He prunes, that it may bear more fruit.” John 15:1-2
We all know couples with functional marriages, so we know it can be done. What we don’t usually see is that it takes some careful pruning and grafting to accomplish. Better still, let’s not just settle for functional; let’s go for sensational! Regardless of our past, with God’s help, our marriage can produce a harvest of health and joy that will last for generations.

The Black Friday Blues

Posted on November 23, 2013 by John Paladini

There’s a reason it’s called Black Friday. Millions of people around the world are about to jump into the abyss. We like to make fun of lemmings, but every year we, who are supposed to have more gray matter and opposable digits, do the equivalent by taking the plunge off the financial cliff. The only difference is that lemmings jump into the deep blue sea. We jump into the RED, and spend the entire next year with those “easy monthly payments”.
So before we get too caught up in the holiday spirit, let’s consider a few words and phrases that are key to a healthy marriage: Communication, Unity, Like-mindedness, Consensus, Sharing, Helping, Togetherness, Agreement.
Now let’s consider who is out there strategizing for a GREEN Christmas: MasterCard wants to be your master. Discover card doesn’t want us to discover how much we spent until the bill comes in January. American Excess…..you get the picture. PayPal is only your pal when you pay. Target is targeting you! Best Buy wants what is best for them. Amazon wants to sell you down the river. And the Apple Store…well, re-read Genesis chapter 3.
The bible warns us how the world lures us in:
the lust of the flesh: This will feel good, or taste good…
the lust of the eyes: I didn’t want it until I saw it. Now I can’t stop thinking about it…
and the pride of life: I’ll be the first to have the newest version. I’ll be the envy of all my friends. 1 John 2:16.
All the displays and mood lighting are not there for your convenience.
As husbands and wives we need each other more than ever during the holiday season, to remind each other what Christmas is really about, so we won’t get caught up in the local mall’s definition.
So at the risk of sounding too much like the Grinch, I’m going to recommend we take a piece of advice from Santa, the jolly old elf himself. Make a list and check it twice. For those who don’t speak the language, that’s North Polish for “Make a Christmas Budget”. And do this together before you go out shopping. Some people write their list on an envelope with three columns: Name, Amount, What to buy. If you put the cash inside the envelope, at least you’ll know when you are out of money.
A word about surprises
The commercial said, “There is no substitute for that look on her face when she opens the box and sees it sparkle for the very first time.” What it doesn’t say is, “That is the look of sheer terror wondering “How are we going to pay for this?” We all love surprises when there are no strings attached. But husbands and wives should decide together on their Christmas spending, especially if you are going to purchase any big ticket items.
You may consider doing what we do. For Christmas we give each other a token gift costing no more than $20.00. Then after Christmas, if there is something our spouse really wants, we can buy it at the After-Christmas-Sale for about a third of the price.
The Ancient Word
There is a word that has fallen out of use. It is not politically correct and consequently is no longer taught in schools. Parents have forgotten it and children have not heard it commonly used. The word is NO. It is a word that, at one time, had a very important purpose. It is a word we are supposed to tell our flesh when it wants something that is not in our best interest. We are supposed to use it when our eyes deceive us or we are about to make an unwise choice for the sake of pride. It keeps us from heading back to the punch bowl or from giving too much attention to someone else’s wife. No is a word that needs to find its way back into our vocabulary as a possible option. It could keep us out of big trouble this Christmas.
No Regrets
December 26th can be a day filled with peace or a day full of regret . Many couples have experienced both, but it’s unanimous, we all prefer peace. So before we get carried away in the herd of lemmings, let’s decide with our spouse that this will be the Christmas that Communication, Unity, Like-mindedness, Consensus, Sharing, Helping, Togetherness, and Agreement will determine the color of our Christmas.

Give Peace a Chance

Posted on November 9, 2013 by John Paladini

How many of us remember this Bumper Sticker? “Visualize World Peace” was the slogan of a well-meaning organization called Peace Vision that originated in Texas in 1985. (These things always originate in Texas). They believed that if enough individuals visualized peace, there would be peace in the world. The only problem is, it doesn’t work!
Back in the day, you would see these bumper stickers all around town. You’d see them on cars in bumper-to-bumper traffic on the freeway. And you’d see their drivers offering gestures that were NOT the peace symbol.
But ”World Peace” is too big an issue for most of us. What we really want is a little peace in our homes and in our marriages.

If I asked you: How do you define “Peace”?
Some would say:
…If only I could get my teenager to….
…If only I could get my boss to………….
…If only I could get my Husband to…..
…If only I could get my wife to………….you fill in the blank.
How do we find this elusive thing called peace?
Long before John Lennon penned the words to his famous song, couples have longed for “domestic tranquility”…Peace. Why then, if we all want the same thing, do we argue? Why don’t we “Make Love, not War”?
The bible says it is because we become addicted to our own pleasure:
Where do all the fights and quarrels among you come from? They come from your desires for pleasure, which are constantly fighting within you. You want things, but you cannot have them, so you are ready to kill; you strongly desire things, but you cannot get them, so you quarrel and fight. James 4:1-2 GNT
There is a phenomenon known as “The Fog of War” where in the heat of the battle, things become so chaotic that soldiers fire upon their own forces, sometimes resulting in heavy casualties from “friendly fire”. Our marriages sometimes suffer the same kind of collateral damage. Instead of joining forces with our spouse to enjoy the blessings of life, we get into small skirmishes that quickly escalate into World War III. Later we say things like “I can’t believe I said that.” Or, “I can’t believe I did that.”
But the answer to protecting our marriage is not military, it is not organizational and it is not political. Our battle is a spiritual battle and the answer is spiritual as well. The apostle Paul wrote Walk in the Spirit, and you will not fulfill the lust of the flesh. Gal 5:16. Only God can help us win the war against our sin nature.
In a war, an army can only win if it keeps its supply lines open.
It is the same in a spiritual battle. If we sow to the flesh, we will reap corruption. But if we sow to the spirit, we will reap everlasting Life. Gal 6:8.
Which side are you supplying?
It is good to remember that the end of war is supposed to be peace. We can’t treat our spouse like a prisoner of war. We must declare an armistice. In fact, every day should be Armistice Day. The bible tells us “Do not let the sun go down on your wrath.” Eph 4:26
For he who would love life and see good days, let him refrain his tongue from evil, and his lips from speaking deceit. Let him turn away from evil and do good; let him seek peace and pursue it! Peter 3:10-11
So what’ve we got to lose? Let’s give peace a chance.

Before You Get Married

Posted on September 28, 2013 by John Paladini

Lifetime Commitment
Marriage was designed by God to be a relationship where we make a commitment for a lifetime. When we are making a lifetime commitment, we will invest ourselves more in each other and we will avoid saying and doing things that will cause damage to our relationship. (Read Nurture and Cherish)
Helper
God said “It is not good that man should be alone, I will make him a helper comparable Gen 2:18. Marriage is designed to be a helping relationship where the husband helps his wife and a wife helps her husband. When we are looking for a spouse, we are attracted to a mate who has strengths where we have weaknesses, and weaknesses where we have strengths. By helping one another and by learning to depend on each other, we build a quality marriage.
Making a Life
Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother, and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. Gen 2:23
Choosing a marriage partner, should be done with great care because you will be merging your life with the life of your spouse.
We live in Modesto and there are two rivers, the Stanislaus and the Tuolumne, that flow down from the high Sierra and pass on either side of the city. But an interesting thing happens about half way through my commute every morning. After I leave Modesto I cross the San Joaquin River on my way to Livermore. At a certain point, both the Stanislaus and the Tuolumne Rivers lose their own previous identities and take on a new identity: The San Joaquin. This River has elements and attributes of the Stanislaus and the Tuolumne, but from that point on, it makes its trip to the sea with a new identity.
The day we get married we must change our pronouns.
I becomes we.
My becomes our.
Mine becomes ours.

Please don’t marry anyone with whom you are not willing and ready to merge your money, your reputation, your name and your future.
We are no longer single individuals but a married couple. As single individuals, we put ourselves first in our decision-making. As a married couple we will find the most success and the most joy in marriage when we put our spouse before ourselves.

In-laws
Speaking of leaving father and mother, all your life you have been told to obey your father and mother. When you get married, your relationship with your father and mother changes. When we leave father and mother, they no longer have authority over our life. It is important for the new married couple to understand that by getting married you are creating a new household and a new authority structure. No longer do you give your parents the place of authority over your lives. However, mother and father don’t always get the memo. They sometimes put pressure or expectations on their married adult children such as spending holidays together or expecting financial support.
A word of advice: Love and honor your parents but you should no longer feel any pressure to obey them. Your new marriage has created a new authority structure. Decide with your husband or wife what you want your life together to look like. Then be as gracious as you can, and tell your parents how you have decided to live your life together. Learn to value your extended family and be healthy, active members as you are able. But don’t allow them to manipulate or pressure you with guilt.
Communication
Healthy communication makes a healthy marriage. (See : Communication: The Lifeblood of Marriage).
Money
There are only three things you can do with money: Spend it, Save it and Give it.
Healthy people learn to do all three.
It is important that married couples be in agreement on how you will obtain money and how your collective money will be spent, saved and given. It is the responsibility of both of you to decide together on your plan and to fulfill your part in carrying out your plan. Often in marriage, one or the other of the spouses is more gifted in administration. That spouse will often write the checks and balance the check book. But both spouses must be fully engaged in making the decisions on how the money gets spent. Here is a simple way to accomplish that.
1. Whichever spouse is administratively gifted, make a list of all the things you want/need to do with your money. i.e. rent, electricity, car payment, vacations, savings, spending money, etc.…
2. Both spouses sit down and review the list and the other spouse should add any additional items. Both spouses have an equal say in what goes on the list.
3. Decide together and agree on how much to spend on each item. Give every dollar a mission, even if it is extra money that is going into savings.
4. Now each spouse does what you’ve agreed to do with your money.
5. Make sure you budget a few dollars for each of you to have some pocket money to blow, even if it is only a few dollars per week.
6. If an unexpected financial expense comes up, talk to your spouse and decide together where the money will come from to pay for it.
You now have a budget that both of you agree on, and both of you carry the financial responsibility in your marriage.
Early in your dating relationship, it is important that you discuss your financial practices and philosophy on spending, saving, investing and debt, with your prospective spouse. Later, as your relationship progresses and you are moving closer towards marriage, it is important that you both disclose your complete financial status to your prospective spouse: Income, net worth, debts, taxes, foreclosures and bankruptcies. You wouldn’t want to find out after the wedding that you are now a million dollars in debt and neither would your spouse. Wait until you are married to merge your money.
Conflict/Forgiveness
Nobody’s perfect. That means that even if you are marrying Mr. Right or Miss Right, they will eventually do something wrong, and so will you. That is why learning to forgive is so crucial to a healthy marriage. It is also important to recognize when we are wrong and to apologize to our spouse. Don’t be too proud to admit when you are wrong. We all make mistakes. Sometimes we do something that is inconsiderate or selfish. The sooner we recognize it, and apologize, the healthier our marriage will be. (Read Taking Out the Trash)
Sex
Sex in marriage is one of the greatest benefits of a healthy marriage. Every couple enters into marriage with the expectation that their spouse will fulfill this crucial element of marriage. But many couples fail to discuss sex, or communicate their expectations to one another before marriage. They simply assume their fiancé will share their ideals.

Engaged couples need to have appropriate, meaningful conversations to make sure they are on the same page. The closer you get to your wedding date, the deeper these conversations should become. Be careful to have these discussions in places that protect you from temptation. Try to find a public place where you can have a private conversation.

When both husband and wife make their first priority to serve each other rather than serving themselves, they will do well. When considering a prospective spouse, observe how they act in the other areas of your relationship. Are they self absorbed or are they others centered? Do they have integrity or do they fudge on boundaries? Do they protect you from sexual temptation or do they try every ploy to get you into the sack? Whatever you are before marriage, will typically be magnified in marriage.

In order to have a thriving sexual relationship in marriage, we need to maintain a healthy relationship in all of the other areas. They are all connected. (Read: The Chapter on Sex)

An important note: If you have any sexually transmitted diseases, it is very important that you disclose them to your fiance before you get married. That way if you spouse becomes infected with them, there will not be any question of unfaithfulness associated with them. If they are incurable, disclose them. If they are curable, get them cured completely before you get married. If there is any chance they will reoccur, disclose them.

Choose your spouse carefully. You are entrusting them to be the only person in the world who will be authorized to meet your sexual needs. (Read Whose Body is it Anyway?)
Children
Be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth. Gen 1:28
First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes… you guessed it. Married couples often look forward to raising their own family. So before you marry, it is important to discuss whether or not you plan to have children, generally how many you plan to have and to have a general agreement on how they will be raised. Husbands and wives often come from families who differ in their approach to raising children. Don’t assume your spouse knows or agrees with your philosophy. Talk about it together in depth. Read books, study, take classes and learn to be an excellent parent.
Blended Families
Yours, Mine and Ours.
Almost half of the marriages today result in blended families. That means that each spouse brings children with them into the marriage. Then sometimes, to complicate matters, the couple has a child together. If you’re not careful, your natural parental instincts will lead you to show favoritism to your children that are related to you by blood. A married couple must make a herculean effort to never let this happen. It is important that couples view all of their children as OUR children and to love them and carry the responsibility of raising them together. Children will often exploit the fact of their blended family to “divide and conquer”. Husband and wife must always maintain a united front and raise all of their children equally as OUR children. The children may not acknowledge or fully understand this concept, but it is crucial to their wellbeing and the health of your marriage.
Religion
This last item really should be first. Statistically marriages have a substantially higher rate of success when a couple agrees upon these four major areas of life: Money, Children, In-laws and Religion.
The bible says: Can two walk together, unless they are agreed? Amos 3:3 and of course the answer is No, not very far, and not for very long. Marriage is a lifetime commitment. If you marry someone with a different religion, they will have a different value system. That means with each passing day, you are bound to grow farther apart rather that growing closer together. If you marry someone with the same value system, you are much more likely to grow closer and closer together in a relationship that will last a lifetime. This is such an important subject that the bible tells Christians: Do not be unequally yoked together with unbelievers. For what fellowship has righteousness with lawlessness? And what communion has light with darkness? 2 Corinthians 6:14

Conclusion
Choosing a spouse is one of the most important decisions you will make in your entire life. Time spent preparing for your marriage is some of the most worthwhile use of your time. Do not hurry through this important preparation. Be prayerful and careful. Is it easy to discuss each of these topics? Do you find that you and your future spouse generally agree on most all of them? If your answer is yes, then you can proceed with confidence as you prepare for your marriage and as you make a life together.

Communication: The Life-Blood of Marriage

Posted on August 17, 2013 by John Paladini

“What we’ve got here is a failure to communicate.” This famous line from Cool Hand Luke describes a universal challenge for marriages. Husbands and wives don’t always communicate with each other as well as we should.
In this age where everybody carries multiple communication devices, you’d think we’d be better at it. Today we can text, tweet, Face Time, Insta-gram, post on Facebook or Linked-In, email, chat, FAX, call or write a note. With Siri’s help, we can even do it “hands-free”.
But these are not the only ways we communicate. A smile across the room, or simply making eye contact during a conversation communicates volumes. We communicate love by giving each other our time and our undivided attention.
Sadly, we sometimes communicate in unhealthy ways as well. There is a negative effect when we raise our voice, roll our eyes, nag, or use sarcasm. Behaviors like dropping your dirty clothes on the floor, or leaving the gas tank of the car empty also communicate.
But most of the time it is the words we speak and the tone in which we speak them.
Why do you suppose healthy communication is vital to a healthy marriage? Because communication is where we connect. It is the life-link between our lives. Communication is to a relationship, like blood is to a body. Blood flows to and from every cell of the body. It brings life sustaining oxygen and nourishment, and it carries away the hazardous waste. If we cut off the flow of blood, the cells will die. If we cut off communication our relationships will die. But, if we maintain quality communication in our marriages, they will stay strong and healthy, and best of all, we will truly feel connected.

Here’s what the bible has to say about Communication:
Proverbs 18:21 says: Death and life are in the power of the tongue…
We learn: The health of our marriage relationship is directly affected by the quality of our communication.
Proverbs 16:23-24 says: The heart of the wise teaches his mouth, and adds learning to his lips. Pleasant words are like a honeycomb, sweetness to the soul and health to the bones.
We learn: We can teach ourselves to communicate well.
Proverbs 18:13 says: He who answers a matter before he hears it, it is folly and shame to him.
We learn: We need to be a ready listener. Don’t answer until the other person is finished. James 1:19 says “be swift to hear and slow to speak and slow to wrath.”
Proverbs 15:28 says: The heart of the righteous studies how to answer, but the mouth of the wicked pours forth evil.
We learn: How we answer is just as important as what we answer. It is OK to take time to process before we answer our spouse.
Proverbs 15:1 says: A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.
We learn: Stop arguments before they get started. Speak in civil tones and you’ll have much more productive conversations.

Proverbs 21:23 says: Whoever guards his mouth and tongue keeps his soul from troubles.
We learn: We seldom regret words we didn’t say.

Proverbs 29:20 says: Do you see a man hasty in his words? There is more hope for a fool than for him.
We learn: Slow down. Think before you speak. We don’t have to say every thought that comes into our mind.

Proverbs 31:26 says: She opens her mouth with wisdom, and on her tongue is the law of kindness.
We learn: Wisdom is knowledge rightly applied. Speak good words that are appropriate. There are some laws we should never break lest we suffer. Unless our tongue is governed by the law of kindness, we should say nothing. Remember love is patient and kind… 1 Cor 13:4
Proverbs 25:15 says: By long forbearance a ruler is persuaded, and a gentle tongue breaks a bone.
We learn: We don’t need to be harsh or forceful to make a point.
Proverbs 25:11-12 says: A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in settings of silver. Like an earring of gold and an ornament of fine gold is a wise rebuker to an obedient ear.
We learn: Choose your words carefully and your spouse will appreciate your help to discover the solution to their need.

Proverbs 18:2 says: A fool has no delight in understanding, but in expressing his own heart.
We learn: Acting self-centered, self-willed or self-important is foolish. We already know our own opinion. Spend less energy trying to be interesting, and more energy being interested in others.
Proverbs 27:2 Let another man praise you, and not your own mouth; a stranger, and not your own lips.
We learn: Speak well of your spouse. Nobody wants to listen to you bragging about yourself.

Proverbs 25:9 says: Debate your case with your neighbor, and do not disclose the secret to another.
We learn: If you have a problem with your spouse, don’t complain to other people. Rather, talk with your spouse and together you may solve it. If you need help, enlist a counselor or someone who will be part of the solution.
Proverbs 17:14 says: The beginning of strife is like releasing water; therefore stop contention before a quarrel starts.
We learn: Arguing doesn’t solve problems; it often causes them to escalate. A productive, respectful conversation will accomplish much more towards resolving a conflict.

Proverbs 29:11 says: A fool vents all his feelings, but a wise man holds them back.
We learn: After decades of encouraging people to “vent” their feelings. Psychologists have discovered that God was right all along. “Venting” is unhealthy and unwise…go figure.
Psalm 141:3 says: Set a guard, O LORD, over my mouth; keep watch over the door of my lips.
We learn: Ask the Lord to help you speak only good words that will enhance your marriage.

Isaiah 50:4 says: The Lord GOD has given me the tongue of the learned, that I should know how to speak a word in season to him who is weary.
We learn: Ask the Lord to give you words to encourage your spouse.

Ephesians 4:15 says: Speak the truth in love.
We learn: Spouses can help and encourage one another by reminding each other what is true. When we do so, in an attitude of love, we become our spouse’s best ally.
Ephesians 4:29 says Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but what is good for necessary edification, that it may impart grace to the hearers.
We learn: Words hurt and words heal. I wrote an e-book entitled The Weight of Words, based on this scripture. You can find it by clicking this link.
http://www.amazon.com/The-Weight-of-Words-ebook/dp/B00557YS9C

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